Worse since i started going to counselling

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Lilou34

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#1
Today has been a massive b&p day. The worst ive had in a while. Im just about to do 2-3 hours of a dance workout in the hopes the scales wont jump in the the morning. Is it possible that counselling is actually making me worse?! It really feels like it right now.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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#2
hi ,I am sorry to hear that
it didn't hurt me but it didn't really help either and I had it for 5 years x
a lot of people say it can get worse before it gets better with counselling as it can be hard to bring up such tough things at first

I think it would be good if you could stick with it a while and see how it goes
but do let your counsellor know how you feel

let us know how you get on?
Lu xxxx
 
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Lilou34

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#3
Thanks for your kind reply and support. I find it kinda maddening that i didnt start counselling for an eating disorder. I wouldnt have even thought i had one. Just that i was weird with food. But now it seems to be kicked into overdrive and its a nightmare. I feel i had more control before is all. Anyways thanks x
 
BleachedViolet

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#4
How long have you been in therapy/how long have you had an ED? I was in therapy for other things when I was younger and has bulimia, which I feel was a side effect of my misdiagnosed bipolar and therefore untreated BPD, which is a very impulse driven disorder in some cases (mine, at least). I haven't relapsed in, I don't have an exact date, but approximately a decade now.

I don't know what made me stop. Honest to God. I wish I had better advice. A lot of my impulse-driven behavior cessated with age. Idk how old you are or if you have any other diagnoses, but I was told until others were blue in the face to stop, the harm I was doing, the long term effects, but I do believe ED's are an addiction. I even wrote a paper about the psychological differences that manifest in bulimics/binge & purger's, anorexics/anoretics and over eaters.

I wont bore you with the details, but the underlying psychology behind each is quite different and manifests for different reasons entirely/each variety of disorder hold vastly different cross-diagnoses in many cases. Though I do realize you get some who have more than one ED, but that's not as common and generally one is more dominant.

I'm sure you've been told loads about control, it being a manifestation of that, etc..., and there is truth to that, but there are deeper reasons behind the scenes as to why you're even seeking such control and the manner you're seeking it (your ED of choice) is very telling.

I feel like I'm being too cryptic, but I don't want to publicly say the wrong thing/trigger anyone...

Are you in therapy for your ED solely? Have you explored the root/when it started/any other contributing factors?

Do you *like* and trust your therapist? The right one can make a world of difference. You need to feel safe and understood, not judged or like you're constantly being scolded, etc...

I hope this made some sort of sense, but ask yourself these questions. Maybe even try journaling?

You're not alone, though. One day at a time. Don't focus on too much too soon. Each 'good's day is a victory.

Xx stay strong xx ♡
 
L

Lilou34

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#5
How long have you been in therapy/how long have you had an ED? I was in therapy for other things when I was younger and has bulimia, which I feel was a side effect of my misdiagnosed bipolar and therefore untreated BPD, which is a very impulse driven disorder in some cases (mine, at least). I haven't relapsed in, I don't have an exact date, but approximately a decade now.

I don't know what made me stop. Honest to God. I wish I had better advice. A lot of my impulse-driven behavior cessated with age. Idk how old you are or if you have any other diagnoses, but I was told until others were blue in the face to stop, the harm I was doing, the long term effects, but I do believe ED's are an addiction. I even wrote a paper about the psychological differences that manifest in bulimics/binge & purger's, anorexics/anoretics and over eaters.

I wont bore you with the details, but the underlying psychology behind each is quite different and manifests for different reasons entirely/each variety of disorder hold vastly different cross-diagnoses in many cases. Though I do realize you get some who have more than one ED, but that's not as common and generally one is more dominant.

I'm sure you've been told loads about control, it being a manifestation of that, etc..., and there is truth to that, but there are deeper reasons behind the scenes as to why you're even seeking such control and the manner you're seeking it (your ED of choice) is very telling.

I feel like I'm being too cryptic, but I don't want to publicly say the wrong thing/trigger anyone...

Are you in therapy for your ED solely? Have you explored the root/when it started/any other contributing factors?

Do you *like* and trust your therapist? The right one can make a world of difference. You need to feel safe and understood, not judged or like you're constantly being scolded, etc...

I hope this made some sort of sense, but ask yourself these questions. Maybe even try journaling?

You're not alone, though. One day at a time. Don't focus on too much too soon. Each 'good's day is a victory.

Xx stay strong xx ♡
Thanks for your reply. I have only been to 2 sessions of counselling to be honest. I started because i feel like ive been emotionally numb for a number of years. Existing but not living. I havent felt genuine happiness in a long time and im great at pushing people away. Maybe thats the underlying cause of my food issues. I honestly dont know. I lost over 6 stone years ago and took it too far according to my family and friends. I survived on an apple a day as was very thin but still managed to pull back before any real damage was done. These days i purge, although not every day. The weekends mostly and my binges wouldnt be massive amounts if food. Just more than i normally have. My counsellor does say that im not in immediate danger with it and that im not 'in crisis' so thats good. Im giving it 4 sessions to see if i feel any better or even different. She is very nice and friendly but brutally honest too which is a must for me. I guess ill just have to see where this goes.
 
BleachedViolet

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#6
You sound a lot like me during me teens/20's. I assume you're somewhere in that age bracket (forgive me if I'm wrong...)?

I can relate to the depression, the isolation. I was never a 'heavy' purger, either. I would just hate how food felt inside me, like I'd feel I instantly gained 10 lbs after a bite of something.

Ironically, I developed my ED bc everyone *thought* I had one already... I was put on a medication in my late teens that made me drop about 15lbs, but I'm 5'9, and was just 'average' (whatever that means...) before. Didn't give it much mind. Then, everyone became convinced I was anorexic or something and I had to see the nurse and everything...

This made me *obsessive* about gaining even a lb back. And I began purging. Not even over binges, but just to feel empty. It felt clean somehow.

I was like you initially, in that it was here and there at first. But trust me, (and I know I sound like an annoying therapist or something) but you likely wont remain a 'casual' purger. It gradually becomes a coping skill. Got in a fight with my mom? Purge. Had a crap day at work? Purge. Someone comment on my body? Same. You get it...

It was like this, eventually 2-3x daily at worst, for nearly a decade. I know this sounds cliche, and it's not as simple as 'just stopping', but get a grip on things now before you rely on this as a release or coping mechanism. Bc you will in time.

B & Per's tend to be impulse driven, and I even did it as a private 'F you' to anyone or anything that angered me.

It's good your therapist seems to have the rare balance of warmth and honesty. That's a plus. And I know I'm not a dr, so this is for your consideration and to discuss with her or another trusted professional, but you sound like you are dealing with more than just an ED. EDs are often symptomatic of other disorders, like depression or BPD or something on the anxiety spectrum.

I commend you for losing the weight initially, before ED symptoms developed. Do you think it was people commenting or judging you that contributed? Or did making food and weight loss a primary focus trigger this, do you think? I know all the comments and attention I got initially I simultaneously craved and resented. And it was a definite trigger...

So, please, stick with the program. Take it day by day, but maybe even see if your local hospital or community centre holds group meetings for ED recovery?

You may not feel you need it, but you don't want this to escalate. The sooner you stop these from forming into coping skills, the better. You brain actually rewires itself so you get relief from these actions with time. You don't want that.

Just be as open as you can with your therapist. USE her. You may not be in 'crisis' yet, but you're fortunate to have an opportunity to get to the root of what's really going on, and try to treat that. Medication for your depression (or whatever they deem it) could help you.

Trust me, I was taken to nutritionists, specialists, etc... Food was never my problem. I know how to eat healthily, and I'm sure you do, too, given your success in losing weight healthily. This is something deeper.

And like Fairy Lucrietia said in her post, sometimes things have to get worse before they improve. You have to get a bit dirty to dig deep, but it's necessary, and you don't want a lifetime of this...

Stay strong, write or draw or find an outlet/release, find a support group, even if you just try it once, it will show you a lot perspective wise, and deal with the underlying cause, how and why you've been feeling this way. And if anything triggered that, or it could just be chemical, or both.

But I'll shut up...sorry! I just wish you strength, courage, and self-love as you move ahead. And many people here will be there for support, too, should you need it...

Stay strong, luv xx ♡
 
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Lilou34

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#7
Thank you so much for your messages. You certainly sound like you have a lot of understanding on this topic. I really appreciate your insight and point of view. Although i must be honest and say that im actually 34. Pathetic huh? I should have more 'cop on' than this at my age but ive been living alone for years now and always stuck to my own rules. I never thought there was a problem to deal with to be honest. My food issues didnt start until i was about 25.Than they just grew. I was always a fussy eater i have to say though. I would never eat home cooked food cooked by anybody but my mother. I still wont. Ive always been stubborn so ill stick with the sessions for now but i guess im in the mind set of 'ive been this way for years and still have a home and a job. I cant be that bad'.
 
BleachedViolet

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#8
You're welcome and I hope I didn't carry on too much or get too intrusive. And, I'm sorry for assuming your age. I guess it's a bit of a misconception EDs are a teenage rooted disorder... But it makes total sense a major life change, like losing weight, would trigger this. And people fussing over your behaviour, no matter how well meaning, can be a royal pain.

I'm very independent, too, and I sense you don't like to be told what to do (which isn't an insult! I totally get it and am the same!) Navigating this will be a lot of trial and error. I'd categorize EDs under addictions personally, bc, unless you've reached a life threatening state, you cant force someone to stop until they're ready. And I cant tell you when that is.

Follow through with your plans, but, PLEASE, if you notice your B & Ps escalating in frequency - even if it's once more weekly for more than a month, please consider reseeking counseling. Or even meds for the depression and emptiness you described. It's no way to live, and if you can avoid further pain or apathy or discontent, it's worth a try.

I'll shut up, lol. Sorry for the thesis paper, ha. Just, remember, it's not about food. You've described what sounds like something on the depression scale, so the right meds or even if you are anti-meds and want to try holistic or natural supplements, consider it?

But only you know what is best. Just keep an eye on yourself, hun.

Best of luck xx