Why do I do what I do

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RobP

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Canada
#1
A year and half ago, my wife was acting strange and expressing her desire to hang out with friends from work during the week and on the weekend. I supported her because she just reentered the workforce again after 3 kids. So she did that going out two or three evenings a week. She started liking things she use to hate, like pro sports, drinking alcohol, etc. She became more and more agitated with home life, spent a vast amount of time on her phone texting. I started to get suspicious when she started coming home later and later.

I found a way to read her texts on her locked phone, and came across many texts indicating an ongoing relationship with a guy. I confronted her and she said it was a role playing game she was involved with.

She then attacked me about her privacy, and went off about not wanting to be a mom anymore, or a wife. She also said she is considering suicide, had a fentanol. She said it was all an escape. So I supported her the best I could, asked her to go to a therapist and let her be free basically.

She continued to go out, staying out late on the weekend, not coming home till 1, 2, 3 4:30am, not being with her family on New Years eve.

When she did come home, she immediately wanted sex, and the kind of sex we never really had. She was never into sex much beyond the basics. So it was kind of crazy. This went on a few months, and then I came across a internet search of hers about pregnancy tests. It could not be me because I've had cancer and had a vasectomy. So I point blank asked her if she was pregnant. She said maybe.

Well I lost it, told her that when she got home, I would be leaving. When she got home she claimed she only had sex one time with someone else. Highly unlikely, she also said she would not try to convince me to stay. I was overwhelmed with sorrow, with the destruction of our family, so I suggested she get help and we try and fix this. She agreed and she looked for a therapist. She started going to one, but I found our much later she actually never went.

She never went again after that, made me many promises and apologies. She said she took care of the pregnancy. She promised to love and cherish me every day. Things were ok for a while, then she started to pull back a bit, didnt seem to like me much. A Fathers day came and she was the most disinterested person in the world. I had to do everything, I asked her if she wanted to go to the beach with the kids, but it was so obvious she didn't want to be there. Completely non talkative, it was just a horrid write off of a day.

When I confronted her about it, she said she didn't want to go, felt she was forced to go, etc. Said she was feeling down, played the suicide card again and decided not to talk to me for two weeks because she felt I attacked her about it.

She came back around, but her behaviour is such that she is goes from extremes, very attentive and loving, to distant and non talkative. She barely does anything at home as far as chores, etc. I do everything, thanklessly. She is very non involved with our kids too.

My question is what is wrong with me, why do I take it, put up with it, waste me life this way. She deals out emotional abuse like candy at Halloween. I simply don't understand my fear of leaving her. I have this moral obligation or something. I come from a highly dysfunctional family too that is completely estranged from me. They were emotionally abusive too. I need help understanding myself.

Apologies for grammer and spelling mistakes ;)
 
Y

Yodagirl

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
626
Location
Georgia USA
#2
My guess would be that you love her. But at a certain point you have to realize love just isn’t always gonna be enough! You’re going through this emotional abuse with her and the dishonesty, I’m sure it can’t be easy for you or the Children. You have to stand your ground and walk away. But that’s a choice that only you can make. Ultimately it’s up to you. Even if you feel you don’t deserve better you do,and the kids most definitely do! I truly believe she has taken advantage of your kindness and won’t change. Does she happen to have a diagnosed mental illness?

Best of luck going forward! 🙂
 
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missme

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Joined
Mar 28, 2019
Messages
284
Location
NZ
#4
Hi RobP. Has your wife been diagnosed? She sounds like she needs help, psychiatric help. It's not fair for you or the children that she is carrying on like that. The promiscuity could be part of the illness that she has. I can appreciate how hurt you must feel. She needs support, but the problem is, sometimes when people become unwell, that don't know that they are sick. I think it would be a good idea for you to find some support and I think this place is definitely a great place to start. I really feel for your situation.
 
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Jules5

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Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
648
Location
Florida
#5
Sorry to hear about your wife. I am thinking you hope this is just a phase she is going through. I am a women had children and you are so busy with the kids you just drift off somewhere when it comes to your own personal happiness. But this is what having a family is all about sacrifices ongoing.
Maybe set up some going out time with just you and her. Try dating her again. It is awful to feel pushed away and do hope the children are okay with mom's new lifestyle. If not you do not want to repeat the same mistakes your family had when raising you. Lots of Hugs
 
R

RobP

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Canada
#6
My guess would be that you love her. But at a certain point you have to realize love just isn’t always gonna be enough! You’re going through this emotional abuse with her and the dishonesty, I’m sure it can’t be easy for you or the Children. You have to stand your ground and walk away. But that’s a choice that only you can make. Ultimately it’s up to you. Even if you feel you don’t deserve better you do,and the kids most definitely do! I truly believe she has taken advantage of your kindness and won’t change. Does she happen to have a diagnosed mental illness?

Best of luck going forward! 🙂
thank you so much, i so appreciate it, i have begged her to get help but she won't go.
 
R

RobP

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Canada
#8
Hi RobP. Has your wife been diagnosed? She sounds like she needs help, psychiatric help. It's not fair for you or the children that she is carrying on like that. The promiscuity could be part of the illness that she has. I can appreciate how hurt you must feel. She needs support, but the problem is, sometimes when people become unwell, that don't know that they are sick. I think it would be a good idea for you to find some support and I think this place is definitely a great place to start. I really feel for your situation.
I completely agree, but can't get her there. I have tried so hard. Its important to know she feels superior to everyone, and is extremely narcissistic.
 
R

RobP

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Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Canada
#9
Sorry to hear about your wife. I am thinking you hope this is just a phase she is going through. I am a women had children and you are so busy with the kids you just drift off somewhere when it comes to your own personal happiness. But this is what having a family is all about sacrifices ongoing.
Maybe set up some going out time with just you and her. Try dating her again. It is awful to feel pushed away and do hope the children are okay with mom's new lifestyle. If not you do not want to repeat the same mistakes your family had when raising you. Lots of Hugs
Thank you so much, we have tried this, and its fine for a while, but the swings in mood from being so amazing, to treating me like garbage are incredibly hard to take.
 
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missme

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Messages
284
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#10
Thank you so much, we have tried this, and its fine for a while, but the swings in mood from being so amazing, to treating me like garbage are incredibly hard to take.
I really feel for you, it is so difficult and I can really understand your helplessness
 
M

missme

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Messages
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#11
I really feel for you, it is so difficult and I can really understand your helplessness
Sometimes one gets so unwell, that my husband had to call the crisis team and have me sectioned
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Milky Way
#12
To be honest, she sounds like she's being manipulative and toxic. You deserve better than that behaviour :hug:
 
S

Suprvixn

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Joined
Mar 11, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Wisconsin
#13
Well... wow.

The details were painful to read, I'm so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. I couldn't get a sense of how you feel in your post, which makes me think you could be a little disconnected from your own feelings. Maybe somewhere inside, you believe you don't have the right to your own emotions, which is a common outcome of being around a true narcissist. Not sure if that rings accurate or not, just what I noticed while reading your post. I could be way off but I don't think so...

Maybe you should let her miss you for a while, while you figure out what you want for yourself, for your kids, and what you realistically can continue to take from her. Being treated this way has to be a huge blow to your self esteem. Not sure how old the kids are-- that may need some careful consideration given she's uninterested in them, I'd worry disinterest would turn to neglect.

You sound like a patient, resilient and forgiving person and I'm sorry she is treating you and her family this way. You don't deserve it. She's always responsible for her actions, whether she thinks she should be held accountable or not. My advice would be to be loving toward yourself and decide what you need in order for this relationship to survive, if you ultimately decide to stick it out. It's not too much to ask a wife and mother of your children to be faithful to her husband. Cheating is a choice, it's not a *symptom* of mental illness. She's out of line with her behavior.
 
R

RobP

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Messages
13
Location
Canada
#14
Did I mention, she had an affair with the same guy, years ago while I was under going cancer treatment, another knife in the back
To be honest, she sounds like she's being manipulative and toxic. You deserve better than that behaviour :hug:
I don't disagree with you at all :(
 
R

RobP

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Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Canada
#15
Well... wow.

The details were painful to read, I'm so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. I couldn't get a sense of how you feel in your post, which makes me think you could be a little disconnected from your own feelings. Maybe somewhere inside, you believe you don't have the right to your own emotions, which is a common outcome of being around a true narcissist. Not sure if that rings accurate or not, just what I noticed while reading your post. I could be way off but I don't think so...

Maybe you should let her miss you for a while, while you figure out what you want for yourself, for your kids, and what you realistically can continue to take from her. Being treated this way has to be a huge blow to your self esteem. Not sure how old the kids are-- that may need some careful consideration given she's uninterested in them, I'd worry disinterest would turn to neglect.

You sound like a patient, resilient and forgiving person and I'm sorry she is treating you and her family this way. You don't deserve it. She's always responsible for her actions, whether she thinks she should be held accountable or not. My advice would be to be loving toward yourself and decide what you need in order for this relationship to survive, if you ultimately decide to stick it out. It's not too much to ask a wife and mother of your children to be faithful to her husband. Cheating is a choice, it's not a *symptom* of mental illness. She's out of line with her behavior.
Thank you so much for your insightful reply, it means a lot to me that you took the time to write all that. I feel used, like garbage, but also that my self esteem is at an all time low. I feel like there is something wrong with me, enduring all this, for so long. I'm going to read your words over and over, they are incredibly helpful. Thank you so much again.
 
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missme

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Messages
284
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#16
I can't begin to imagine how hurt you must be. X
 
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missme

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#18
Its overwhelming most days, headaches, no sleep - thank you for your comment
I know that this may be so stressful for you. I hope that you will find the answer. It's wonderful that you are finding this forum helpful. I'm so glad that I stumbled upon it.
 
R

RobP

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Apr 4, 2019
Messages
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Location
Canada
#19
I know that this may be so stressful for you. I hope that you will find the answer. It's wonderful that you are finding this forum helpful. I'm so glad that I stumbled upon it.
I hope i do too, there has been some helpful insight and support so far that is deeply appreciated. Thank you!