Trying to understand my BPD

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SDerby91

New member
Joined
May 13, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Derbyshire
#1
Hi All,

I'm new to this forum, and forums generally in fact. I'm 27 - male and have been diagnosed with Bipolar / BPD.

I'm recognising at the moment that my current state isn't tenable, and I wouldn't care much to allow myself years more suffering without trying to come to terms.

I notice that I have frequent and intense and moods and trouble handling negative emotion and perceived rejection. I have summed it up as being - 'I'd rather shoot myself, than let somebody else shoot me'.

It's a real struggle to make sure I react appropriately and proportionately to what's going on.

I find myself where I will end up being self destructive, snappy, emotional and overwhelmed. Drinking quite heavily at the moment and have been making a damn fool of myself, then feeling guilty and sorry that I allowed myself to be so out of control. Then I feel I can't leave it alone and I need to fix it and have people understand and like me again. So I go and out myself in the same situations and I just repeat myself.

Had an appointment today to stop drinking and I'm also looking at a change of accomodation so I'm less in the town where the pubs and temptations are. Drinking and all that goes with it seems to me to be more about trying to interact and I use it to process the emotions, otherwise I'm not feeling enough or feel as though I need to have the storm and there'll be some outcome where it all fits into place.

I'd just like to understand what others do to cope with these destructive behaviours, and what kinds of things you do, and also how do you deal with the aftermath with people - do you reach out to them and hope to rebuild a bridge, or do you just leave it, do you accept the isolation that those things cause? I don't want people thinking I'm crazy and I hate the idea they would just judge me as much less than I am.

Sorry I'm not being specific, I'm new to this and I hope I'll be able to arrange my thoughts more clearly on reply to a specific response or point.

Thanks.

S
 
ninarose

ninarose

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Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
7
Location
North Carolina
#2
i’ve been dating someone with bpd for five months now and i’ve been reading about it and watching a ton of videos on it. i definitely recommend informational videos on youtube and there’s this really good book about bpd called “I hate you, please don’t leave me” which has helped in understanding as well. i also hope you’re seeing a dbt therapist and considering medication as those two things work best. avoiding drinking is really helpful but i think maybe trying to deal with the symptoms causing you to drink would be more effective. i’m so sorry that you’re going through what you’re going through but hopefully this diagnosis will help you understand and maybe change a lot of the impulse behaviors that come with bpd. i wish you the best and i hope this helped you in any way possible.
 
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Keesha

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Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
53
Location
Canada
#3
That’s the book I bought but I lent it to someone and they never gave it back. It’s a really good book. What a kind thing you did ninarose
 
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Keesha

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Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
53
Location
Canada
#4
Sorry SDerby. I didn’t see your post.
I think the fact that you are consciously aware of your self sabotaging behaviour is a great place to start. I don’t drink for the very reason you mention. I’d be an alcoholic and ruin my life.

That book, “I hate you, please don’t leave me,” is a great place to start. I can relate to the self destructive behaviour and with the black & white thinking I usually resort to throwing the baby out with the bath water. I was horrible at burning bridges. Bridges that should never have been burned.

I’m sorry I have nothing more to offer you but please know you aren’t alone.
 
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EstherRose94

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Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
653
Location
USA
#5
Agreed. I can’t drink too much or it’s like alter ego Esther comes out and she does NOT make good decisions lol. Most of my worst emotional/ anxiety attacks happened after a night out with drinks, a pattern that i didn’t see until my therapist pointed it out. I’m good with a glass or two of wine still but more than that and I enter the “drunk me came out as gay for no reason and now sober me needs to come out again as straight” level. It’s kinda funny now a few years out but it wasn’t funny then! 🙈🙈🙈
 
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EstherRose94

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Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
653
Location
USA
#6
Sorry SDerby. I didn’t see your post.
I think the fact that you are consciously aware of your self sabotaging behaviour is a great place to start. I don’t drink for the very reason you mention. I’d be an alcoholic and ruin my life.

That book, “I hate you, please don’t leave me,” is a great place to start. I can relate to the self destructive behaviour and with the black & white thinking I usually resort to throwing the baby out with the bath water. I was horrible at burning bridges. Bridges that should never have been burned.

I’m sorry I have nothing more to offer you but please know you aren’t alone.
It’s a helpful book! I prefer “mindfulness for BPD” though. I found it a bit gentler and it teaches you how to meditate.
 

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