Pedophile ocd

S

Searchingforpeace

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
2
Location
England
#1
Hi everyone. I'll try and keep this as short as can be. A brief bit of history; I developed fear of being attracted to children and convinced I really was around 10 year ago, it wasn't anything I worried about in the early days as I was more easily able to dismiss them as stupid thoughts. I found comfort in reading that a lot of people who suffered sexual abuse (I was groomed online at 14) often believed they would do it to others but never actually would. It's purely fear. However I also read online that those who are abused would likely to go onto abuse others.. not helpful or comforting. So anyway I was free of these thoughts for the majority of those 8 years up until about two year ago this belief came back stronger than ever as a result of watching an adult film. I noticed an actress looked much younger, and even resembled a 13 year old actress from a popular soap. It happened so quick and I immediately felt terrible, guilty, ashamed and there and then this cemented the belief I was a pedophile. I then remembered being 17 and working in a school as part of my course in childcare, and one of the young boys had really taken a shine to me but I remember lying in bed when your mind wanders aimlessly and I was thinking about when he was an adult and if we met up and he tried to peruse a relationship with me as an adult obviously, but this suddenly reappearing in my mind again confirmed that awful belief about myself that I was a pedophile. I went to therapy for this and realised I was not a bad person and thoughts are simply thoughts. I had began developing typical 'pocd where I would see things and immediately get an unwanted sexual thought about it, but I learned it was only a thought and not a definition of me. I left therapy comfortable with this and I never suffered any unwanted sexual thoughts regarding children, until last week when I feel like history has repeated itself.

Once again looking at an adult website, I scroll and see an advert for teens. I'm so careful and aware when I'm on these sites as even though they're all legal ofcourse, for my own peace of mind I don't feel comfortable seeing actresses looking younger than they are. I have seen things and scrolled immediately past. This caught me off as I seen it I instantly made the connection of she looks too young, but I felt aroused. I once again felt disgusted and kept checking to see how I felt. I don't feel it was the sexual act itself, I believe I took enjoyment from the age factor? I feel ashamed disgusted and even looking back I could say well she is pretty, she has nice breasts (ofcourse she is not actually underage!) But in the hear of the moment I felt she was and I felt enjoyment. I got intouch with my old therapist who has explained if we have core beliefs then we'll use instances like this as evidence to back up those beliefs. And that sometimes our bodies respond in ways beyond our control but it does not define who we are or what our moral code is.

I'm also very open with my husband who thinks I've nothing to worry about. Thoughts are just thoughts. He even joked if I were to walk into a police station they'd laugh as no crime has been committed. He also pointer out that some porn is designed to look like that, e.g. school girls etc, but it makes me uncomfortable personally.

I don't fancy children/pre-teens or think about them in a sexual way. I work with nursery age children and wouldn't dream of doing anything. But despite having a therapy session I just can't move on and I'm adamant on punishing myself. We recently found out were pregnant and I've been so miserable, depressed and anxious this last week because of this.

This was just a rant really and if anyone has any advice or thoughts please feel free to share. Thank you xx
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
3,215
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spams land
#2
If they're just thoughts and you would never act on them I don't think there's anything to worry about :grouphug:

Oh and welcome to the forum :hug::welcome::grouphug::hug:
 
G

George16

Member
Joined
Apr 21, 2019
Messages
10
Location
Uk
#3
You have said it yourself, you dont fancy children! So there you go, your not a pedo. And the fact that your terrified by the thoughts show that its just OCD. You have never and would never act on the thoughts so just let them pass through your mind and forget them
George x
 
F

FrightenedbyEverything

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
53
Location
England
#4
I've been feeling the same way. The fear of potential mistakes and false memories. my life being over and ending up of a registry for the rest of my life. I truly wish you the best as you sound like a wonderful person.
 

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