Not sure of who I am outside of depression?

sirenserenade

sirenserenade

Member
Joined
May 12, 2019
Messages
13
Location
U.K
#1
Just to provide some background, I was told by a counsellor when I was around fifteen that I was likely to have depression, but they were reluctant to diagnose me since I was young -which led to me not getting help as my mental health was put down to being bullied at the time.

Now, almost five years later, I'm struggling far more than I could have imagined when I was fifteen. This year I have been diagnosed with depression, social phobia, generalised anxiety disorder, and agoraphobia, with suspected PTSD. I've been through two rounds of CBT with minimal success, and I'm at a loss. I don't feel as though I have a solid sense of self, and I feel like a shell of a person. I don't have many hobbies, and the hobbies I do have are often neglected because I feel so unmotivated to engage with them.

I know I should push myself to paint, or read, but I don't get a sense of pleasure when doing those things. It feels far more better than struggling through university assignments, but I just don't feel happy anymore. I don't feel as though I enjoy anything like I used to, and as a result, I don't feel like I know who I am. All I seem to do is study (halfheartedly) or curl up in bed and try to distract myself until night-time so I can sleep and not be conscious anymore.

I don't really have any defining traits, either. I'm average at everything.

I feel as though this sounds far more dramatic than it actually is: I just don't do anything.
I feel safer that way, though, which is odd since I feel far more alone when I'm not busy. I don't know why I feel safer when I'm not doing anything. Perhaps it's that doing nothing is predictable? No hidden surprises that can affect my mood?

I know I should seek help for this, and I'm in the process of doing so, but I just wanted to know if anyone felt the same?
 
wolram

wolram

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2019
Messages
800
Location
Warwickshire England
#2
You are not alone
sirenserenade
there are many on this forum that have similar problems like you, it is good that you are getting help,
I have had schizophrenia and depression since 2008 and am just getting my head around it, i am sure if you find the right help you will do a lot better.
All the best Woolie.
 
O

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
484
#3
Just putting something out there... could it be that your current activities are that uninspiring that they zap all your zest for life out of you? Imagine achieving your goals in your current activities and you are now able to move on to ventures new with no financial worries. Please describe your new state of mind :)
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
410
Location
California, US
#4
You're not alone. A common characteristic of mental illness is making our world small, predictable and safe. A place where nothing new happens. A prison, really.

Many of us have this compulsion to isolate it's a strong impulse. For me, it felt like I was genuinely protecting myself from everything and everyone.

As you learned in your CBT classes this illness distorts thoughts and bends perception like a lens.
 

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