Non-relationship commitment phobia?

J

JIMcCann

New member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
2
#1
Is this a real thing? Can anyone else relate?

I googled "why can't I commit" and got a lot of information on commitment phobia in relationships. What I'm dealing with is something slightly different / more generalized. I'm absolutely terrified of making a commitment to anything.

Like, anything. My computer is chock full of abandoned projects, because I keep getting some work done on a project, telling myself, "nah, this will never work out," or "nah, this is too hard," and transitioning right back to the brainstorming phase as if nothing ever happened. I have no friends; I'm a friendly and respectful person, but whenever I meet someone new, I make damn sure that's the last I see of them -- and if I can't see to it that that's the case, seeing them again makes me literally sick to my stomach with terror, and I end up acting out and somehow making an ass of myself. I'm hideously out of shape, but feel trapped in regard to doing anything about it; I keep trying and trying -- in small, discrete chunks of effort -- but whenever it gets hard, I just think to myself, "why bother," and give up. I'm the kind of person who walks five miles on a ten mile walk, gets tired, and walks the same five miles back home. I've never taken a class in my life where I didn't procrastinate hopelessly for large chunks of the course, cram a bunch of coursework into the final few days, and then flop over on the last day or two, give up, and passively accept whatever I've got coming to me with no interest in working any harder to affect the outcome.

Every hour of every day it's like the floor is lava. Study in the library and have to deal with seeing my peers, or study at home and have to deal with seeing my family? Should I overeat today, or not eat at all? Work or play? Strive or suffer? Live or die? These are questions I ask myself on a regular basis and still can't answer to this day, because in every case, both options seem unbearable, and for some reason I refuse to see anything in between. Some days I just don't even leave my room; I can't commit to doing anything for the day, because when I try to think about getting anything done, it immediately feels like I don't have enough time for it no matter how much time I actually have, and so I just do nothing. I just want to run away from everything, all the time.

What is this? What can I do about it?
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
#2
I also have a hard tome committing to things. I think what we need is more discipline.
 
J

JIMcCann

New member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
2
#3
I also have a hard tome committing to things. I think what we need is more discipline.
Well hi there. It's been a long time. I forgot this place existed.

Can discipline really overcome fear?

I've been reflecting on some things over the past year, been getting therapy, and she thinks I've got C-PTSD. My dad did some stuff, when I was a very young boy, and I don't remember any of it, all I remember is forgetting it the instant I opened my mouth to tell my mom about it. All these years -- ever since I was six -- I thought I'd made it all up, but I finally had the guts to ask the man himself, and, well, his reaction told me all I needed to know. In retrospect my symptoms should have had me convinced all along.

Nice to finally know what's wrong with me. Maybe now that I have an excuse, I can stop feeling like subhuman filth.

But yeah basically it's all kinds of twisted up in knots. The social anxiety. The laziness. The nightmares. The weird fetishes. The extreme self criticism. The overeating -- which has since progressed into binging and purging, but, haha, whatever, at least I'm a little less obese now -- it's all connected. It's all this entity inside me, this second mental voice, this demon, tulpa, whatever you want to call it -- this thing and it hates me, it hates me so much, all it wants is to see me being every horrible thing it thinks I am. And, excuse the vulgarity, but it gets off on seeing that. Sexually. It's my body that has the arousal reaction, but it's not me in the pilot seat when I get absorbed into thoughts like that, it's the thing, and all the sudden I'm this tiny short boy again, in the dark, on the floor, and it's there, pointing at me, laughing at me, insulting me, criticizing me, cumming all over me, from inside my body. And the part of me invested in being that sick creature feels so good, so powerful and in control, but my real self, the one I shove deep down inside me when I eat or get off, it's crying and screaming.

That's the fear.
That's what I'm afraid of, really, when I can't commit to something.
It's that evil thing he planted inside me.
All day, every day, I'm running from place to place, task to task, ambition to conflicting ambition, not out of fear for the ambitions themselves, but because something is chasing me.
It's him.
I'm running from him, and I can't stop and settle on anything, or he'll catch me.

Again, please pardon the vulgarity. The subject matter makes it difficult to avoid.
 
Last edited: