No direction

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spookierthanneeded

New member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
2
Location
UK
#1
Hey, I'm new here. Just wanted to vent all of my shit I guess.
I'm 23, failed university twice and no longer qualify for financial aid with it (I can't go back, I'm poor and so are my parents)
Relationship long distance, can't move to be with him without a lot of money or a guaranteed job there
Can't get a job here in the UK because I'm useless at everything, not least keeping a sleeping pattern. Alarms do not wake me, they never have, so I'm stuck on what I can do for money that wouldn't require me to show up somewhere on time.
I barely go out, have very few friends in real life and those that I do have I rarely see. Addicted to gaming, extremely low self esteem.
Overweight quite severely but absolutely cannot stick to a diet. I've started diets a million times and never see them through. I don't understand how I can hate myself so much but do nothing to change it and it frustrates me no end.
Everything I try, I fail at. Everything I minorly succeed at I abandon because I feel like I should be better at it.
Just currently at my wit's end. I don't know if I'm just too self absorbed, too lazy, too stupid or whatever it is but I'm so so miserable.

What can I do? I want to be useful, I want to have money and a purpose and a function instead of endless debts and episodes of deep despair. I just can't see a way out.
 
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spookierthanneeded

New member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
2
Location
UK
#3
Hi there, :welcome:to the forum :) please tell us more about your long distance relationship :)
I mean, it's wonderful. I have never been more loved and never loved anyone more than I do him. The only thing that's bad is the distance. We've been together just over two years and spent about 4 months with each other physically. We uphold the relationship well through the internet but we both know we need to close the gap. It's just unfortunate that I don't have the means to do so and neither does he.
 
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fightthegoodfight

Active member
Joined
May 7, 2019
Messages
28
Location
Florida
#4
Hi. Gamer here and someone who very much has been in your shoes on several occasions, but most notably during the worst recovery of my life after an extremely serious episode of bipolar. My heart goes out to you as well as a big hug. You arent alone and are safe here.

I was severely depressed, heavily medicated and sedated, and struggling with the worst weight of my life. I had lost almost all contact with my friends. It would take me years to recover many of the relationships, and some I didn't. Believe it or not, it was the little steps that helped me most in the beginning, especially as I recovered and struggled extensively with sleeping sometimes 20+ hrs a day. Instead of setting ambitious goals in the beginning, I first tried to just set a routine for myself. I didnt worry about when I woke, though I would always try my best. But I'd do the same thing every day, and keep it chill. I'd take my dog out, spend time with her, clean the apartment a little, try to go for a walk, and just do other relaxing stuff. If I was up to it, I'd try to talk to people. Didnt matter if I knew them or not, could be anyone, a total stranger even. But just a stranger can make a difference. And you want to know one of my favorite rituals that helped when I first got up? Tea.

Every morning, I'd wake up, shuffle out to my kitchen, and make a pot of tea. And I'd just sit on the couch, usually listening to music I loved or reading a book, and just embracing that moment. Because in that moment, there was no sadness, no pain, no voices tormenting me about my past actions, nor worries about fixing my future, just me, and my tea, and the present. I actually have my mom to thank for that idea, and I truly think it helped. Even if it isnt tea, just something that makes you comfortable.

As time went on, I would purposefully try to push myself to get out if my comfort zone. I know that may not answer all your struggles, but I hope it at least helps. Stay strong.
 
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OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
481
#5
For me it's coffee. I find it relaxing, and starts my day off, something I have always done from my childhood...
 
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Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
930
Location
UK
#6
Don't worry about 'dieting'. Cut out excess junk and snacks and exercise. Start with a simple commitment to walk for half an hour a day and follow through until this becomes your new routine. If you're gaming for hours - you're sedentary for hours. You need to burn calories rather than restrict them.

If you tend to be more nocturnal and can't get up in the morning, perhaps look for work that suits your body clock - whether that's afternoon or evening shifts. You've been through University - regardless of the end grade, you are smart enough to be given a place and tackle the work. This is an achievement in itself, so be proud of that. There is a myriad of different jobs out there - doesn't matter how mundane they might be, it will boost your self esteem and burn off extra weight if you are busy working. Make a commitment to spend two hours a day on the internet looking for jobs online. Push yourself - nothing will land in your lap.

The rest will fall into place - if you're working, you can afford to see your boyfriend and start saving towards a future. If you allow yourself to stay in this rut, your situation won't change.

Just break out of your patterns and current routines and make changes. You can do it :hug: xxx
 
ninarose

ninarose

Member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
7
Location
North Carolina
#8
i’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time :( the most important thing that helps me when i feel like everything’s shit is to make myself go on walks. being outside, breathing in the fresh air, and getting a little exercise and time to yourself without any electronics can be very therapeutical. on a realer note, what are you doing therapy-wise and medication wise? i can’t help but notice you seem to have a very pessimistic view towards yourself and your future and i’m not trying to criticize that and i understand that it must be hard to not feel that way, but i felt the same way for months and even seriously considered suicide. i know doctors are expensive and so is medication but i think investing in that is like investing in your future. maybe consider trying it out, because you shouldn’t have to live your life feeling the way you are now.