New here, at wits end

X

Xwaxpoeticx

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2019
Messages
1
Location
New York
#1
Hi all. It takes me a while to get comfortable with people, so for now I'd prefer to just introduce myself as S.
I'm sorry in advance for unloading like this. I have nowhere else to turn. I've spoken to therapists, I've taken the drugs (right now I'm on Wellbutrin XL 300 and it's lost it's effectiveness), I've tried whatever I could think of to try, but life keeps beating me up.
Let me go back to the beginning. Well, part of the beginning, there's too much to talk about all of it. Let's just go with my most pressing issues now.
I've been diabetic for over 30 years, and it's taken its toll on me. I have neuropathy in my feet, so every time I put my feet down it feels like I'm walking on broken glass. My joints hurt. It hurts to move, to walk, to get out of bed. And my kidneys have failed. I am on dialysis three days a week. I always feel so tired and worn out. I can get 10 hours of sleep, and when I wake up I still feel like I haven't rested at all.
I get up every morning, and I work a full time job. I drag myself out of bed at 6am, get to work at 830, I work until 530, and then Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I get to have the fun of going to dialysis from 6 to 11. I finally crawl back into bed when I get home, and I go to sleep knowing I get to do it all over again. And my job isn't easy. It's by no means physical, but I am responsible for all the servers at a major hospital, so the pressure is really on me all the time.
And I also get to do this all alone. I have no family to speak of, and while I did have a small circle of friends, they all started to disappear as I got sicker, and wasn't able to hang out. Their designated driver couldn't drive everyone to the bars and clubs anymore, so why call him to see how he's doing?
So those people disappeared.
So I am handling this by myself. I work, have dialysis, and have to cook, clean, do laundry, and somehow try and look for a kidney. There just aren't enough hours in the day.
I get lonely. I joined a few dating sites, not even to go out on dates. To find people to talk to, to flirt with, virtual friends. Anyway, there was one woman I messaged, just "hi". She was way out of my league. But she responded, and we started talking more and more, sometimes texting all day long, and even into the night. She's not my usual type, but I enjoyed that. She was more street smart, less book smart, and I have a head filled with useless knowledge that only comes in handy for Trivial Pursuit. But she seems to genuinely enjoy when I'd go off on these tangents and tell her anecdotes about the topic of our current conversation. She said she liked that about me.
She was still distant about a lot of things in her personal life. She was a few years older than me, had been married twice, and divorced twice, had four kids, some way too young, she was changing careers and struggling at work, and was supportive of all of this. But it came time to meet. She wanted to stop speaking because she was telling me that she believed I wasn't who I said I was. Well, we were talking on the phone one evening, while I was at treatment, and she said it was very noisy, and asked where I was.
I came clean, I told her about my health, and she seemed concerned. After that evening, she went out and started doing research, and looking into centers around the country where the list was shorter. She found one, called them without even telling me, and emailed me the paperwork telling me I had to get my center to fill it out, and that we'd go to Florida together for this, and she'd be by my side. I thought I had lucked out and found this amazing woman who would be there with me through this hell.
But she also started pulling away. She didn't want to talk about her life, and there were a few times she kind of stopped talking to me and I wouldn't hear from her unless I texted her.
We still hadn't gotten together yet, but made plans to do so. She cancelled on me at the last minute the first time we made plans, and when I got upset, she said if I was going to stress her, she'd just cancel all future plans also. I was devastated. I went home from work and since I didn't have dialysis that day, I just passed out. I woke up an hour later to a text apologizing and asking if I was mad. I called her, and we talked for a but, and she said she was at an appointment with one of her daughters and she didn't think she would have made it on time, though the time we were speaking was actually earlier than when we were supposed to meet.
We made plans for Saturday, and Saturday rolls around, and she tells me she has to run some errands first. Well, then she springs on me that the errand she has to run is going to the cemetery with her sister because it was her mother's birthday and they'd go there every year on that day. So of course I said let's reschedule.
And we did, again, for Tuesday. We finally met on Tuesday and I had a great time, but it almost felt like after a while she almost wanted to leave. So we parted ways and made plans for Thursday. Thursday rolls around, and she cancels on me. She's having problems with her daughter with school and shes bbn having problems at work. We speak on the phone and she starts crying and I tell her it will be alright because I would be there for her for anythintg. She asks if I want to get a cup of coffee, and we do. She's a little distant from me, and it affectionate really. But it was late, and she had to get home, so we make plans for Saturday.
Now Saturday rolls around, I'm exhausted since I had gone out every day I didn't have dialysis, but I wanted to see her. We grab a quick bite and then go to a bar down the road. We're talking and she's telling me she doesn't want anything serious now. She wants to see me romantically, but no serious commitment. We continue to drink, and it starts getting late, and she suggests we get a hotel room.
We do. When I am leaving I almost get a cold shoulder from her. I get a kiss on the check, and a text on the way home asking me to let her know i got in safe. I texted her back and got no response.
Sunday passes, and there's no contact. Monday comes, and still nothing. I text her as I'm getting ready for work on Tuesday morning, and she says everything's fine, she's just busy at the moment with her daughter. I ask her if she's going to have time to talk later, and I get no response.
A few hours later I get a text that we could be friends, but she wasn't looking for anything romantic.
I wrote back that I didn't believe she was being honest with me and said goodbye.
That was last Tuesday. I'm still a wreck today. I sent her an email Thursday I think it was, telling her how sad I was, and she never responded.
I've had no communication since. I want to write to her so bad, but I've made such a fool of myself already.
I feel so alone again, more even than before. I'm so tired, I keep wondering why I continue to do this, to go to work, to go to dialysis, to get out of bed in the morning. I know that I could stop going to dialysis treatment any time I want. No one can force me to go, and I just wonder what the purpose is.
I feel so isolated. I see other people at the center, they have their wives and husbands, children, all with them, supporting them, and I sit there alone with a tube in my chest, hooked up to a machine to keep me alive, wondering what I'm even doing.
I don't know how much more I can take. I walk around feeling so empty, so beaten and broken. I don't laugh at anything, food is tasteless, I think I've forgotten how to do anything except have tears welling up behind my eyes that will just never come.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to turn, I'm just so tired of fighting. I've been fighting my whole life and I think that I will be fighting as long as I'm alive, with never any peace, and all I want is a little peace for once.
 
R

Roseessa

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 11, 2018
Messages
97
Location
Nottingham
#2
Hi, I honestly dont really know what to say, I will say you are amazing with how to keep fighting.
Secondly if you feel alone come on here and I am sure there will be people who will gladly talk, I know its not the same because it isnt in person but it might still help you feel less alone.
 

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