Life ended

L

linus

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Eastern Europe
#1
2 months ago, it ended, for me, for my wife. I had quite a fulfiling life, we are together since high school and we built a life together, we worked like crazy, we had 2 children early in our 20s, we passed through rough times, but I only had to manage with anxiety and I think I “defeated” it in the end. Although I felt deep sadness, it only lasted for a while and it usually was a result of many mistakes I made (like when I cheated on her, and I told her and I panicked that we could loose us and everything we dreamed for).
So, 2 years ago we managed to finish our home, for which we spent a fortune and I will still have to pay dearly 20 years from now on, and we seemed happy, we were looking for the nex challenge: the final touch of education for the teenager boy that we wanted to send him to the best schools abroad. We didn’t even notice that he was so socially isolated, we wanted to believe that he is just an introvert genius and that he is just enough for himself (how stupid is that?).
We didn’t even notice that he didn’t sleep well for a while.. we realised all this when it was too late, he got some illegal drugs that sent him off to a psychotic episode from which I feel he can’t return, he lives in a different reality while being physically next to us.
So my panic disappeared and now I cry like crazy since 2 days ago (we managed to see together some melancholic movies and that set me off) and I realise that this was it, this was my life, our lives. It was never meant to have a nicer end for us, to get to see ourselves as grandparents or at least to see our children have a start in life. We stopped taking care of our youngest, she is holding up very hard, we are completely lost.
At the beginning in the full panic mode I dreamt a full week of killing everybody and then kill myself. Now I just want to die, out of nowhere if possible, somebody just pull the plug please. I failed with my life in everything, I failed to understand life, I thought success is having enough money and prestige to do what you want and I didn’t take care of my family. Now we continue with a ghost since it would be just to awful for everybody to leave this life like a wimp or to be a murderer. This is not a slap in the face, this is having your child murdered and then live with his body until you are allowed to die.
 
daffy

daffy

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#3
Linus so sorry for the problems you have at the moment. I can understand that you feel like it’s all gone wrong but it hasn’t. Your family would be devastated if anything happened to you.
Has your son received help. Medication can help to bring him out of his psychosis. It may not seem like it at he time but hopefully with the right treatment he will recover but it will take time. What form has his psychosis taken because I would also advise that you don’t try to argue with him about his delusions but just try gently to reason with him.

Daf:hug:
 
L

linus

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#4
He is on medications for more than 2 months, we are actually in a process of reducing the meds, he is calm, but more like a zombie (although he has physical energy to engage in sports). We stopped discussing the delusions, we just try to love him and show him this all the time. The post was about us, it became hard, too hard as parents, carers.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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#5
You make me mad. What the hell, you are on a forum for mentally ill people. Many of us have suffered psychosis. I have and I have fully recovered from it. You are blaming him for ruining your life because he became ill through no fault of his own. You stand up and adapt to the new normal and seek whatever help for him is available. That is of real worth. And if you need support, that is available too. Your house is just sticks and bricks.
 
L

linus

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#6
Sorry if my problems seem too simple for you. Where did I blame him for this? I blame myself, how could I blame my child? I thought the forum is for mental health as you walk through challenges in your life, chronically or acute, didn’t imagine that a carer or some with smaller issues can’t have a say here. I think the issue is that you only read this post of mine and not the others where I described the psychotic episode, I have a separate post.
 
L

linus

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#7
So, reading back what I wrote 9 days ago it makes me question my self-awareness during such episodes. I/We are better now, although I feel weird with the idea of being on drugs myself. It's hard, but we got our hopes up since we see some changes in all of us, it's still difficult and we have to work on even small things like doing things together since it seems there is a resistance at the beginning on getting everybody on the same board.
 

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