Leaving a friendship

floppypancakes

floppypancakes

Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Singapore
#1
I wonder and hope to know if anyone out there has a similar experience with me in this...

It centers around this friend I have ever since we first met in school around 3 years ago.
As a person who is introverted, quiet and has always been depressed and filled with (social) anxiety, I was somehow 'chosen' by this new person as her 'best friend' who would stick with her for as long as forever.
This friend I have also has depression and anxiety. Whilst I often keep my negative feelings and ruminating thoughts to myself, she on the other hand requires the need to proclaim all her unhappiness to others.
She has led me down the spiral and I was in the darkest place I ever was in for 3 years... She made sure I validate her judgements of others and I felt like I was living a double life with her when I'm around others. I felt... Not authentic to myself. Demons in my head are often ringing of her voice telling me that I hate everyone around me. This caused me to lose most of my friends and people around me as well and I isolated myself. My anxiety symptoms worsened the longer I stayed in this friendship which became the only thing I have even though I know that it is encouraging so much suicidal thoughts when I think about how meaningless my life is when I know everyone would leave me because I felt unworthy of myself. Of course, that has to do with my own abandonment issues as well but having her around exacerbates it.
Fortunately, I found more time away from her and was able to breathe... I even pushed myself to go for therapy and was able to make new friends that made life a lot more valuable to me. I've told her about my issues with attachment and sometimes hinted to her about a few things that made me feel terrible. Her anxiety debilitates mine and I feel heavy everytime she pours herself all over me. I told my therapist about her and I wish that this friend would have gone to therapy as well... The only thing she would reply was that she doesn't need it - everyone else around her are the problem.
I'm so frustrated.
I wish I could help her but I couldn't anymore. It affects my relationship with others... It brings me back to that dark place I don't ever want to be in anymore. When I look at her today... I feel so disgusted with myself... For feeling disgusted over the pain I felt from being with her. I feel guilt because she depended so much on me but I realised through therapy that she was doing that to feel better about herself whilst I just internalised everything.
I look at her and I couldn't talk anymore. I worry people would think I'm a monster for abandoning her. I feel unresolved. I told her so many times but I don't think she has registered...
I'm better than I used to in such a long time... Yet I feel responsible...
I don't know. I hate this feeling.
I wish I am a robot so I don't have to feel this much uncertainty and pain. But I guess this is reality...
People are complex in their own ways and I guess I need to accept the way things are...
 
L

LuC

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2019
Messages
11
Location
Havant
#2
Can i firstly say that i can only tell you my opinion and share my experiences and the knowledge i have gained through them, I am almost anxious to reply to your post through fear of coming across wrong, naive or at worst totally the opposite of helpful! When you think of who you are as a friend and the qualities you hold, would you ever treat this 'friend' in the same way? This fragile person clearly needs help, but as far as i can see you aren't the person to fulfil the position despite your honest and heartfelt efforts. Perhaps you could try in your mind to separate your relationship with your friend, release you responsibility and consider what she needs in a matter of fact kind of way? I totally get the guilt and sense of responsibility, as i myself have become an enabler to someone in need, due to these same emotions you refer to . Could you equip your friend with some helpful telephone numbers, websites and avenues for help, to take the burden directly from you but still helping? Sending you a hug x
 
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