Just want to Share

E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
653
Location
USA
#1
I’m feeling super anxious again. I know I’ve improved SO much over the past several months and I’m so happy for that but I’m still not where I want to be.

I think I might finally be ready to really focus on myself (instead of being obsessed with earning my boyfriend’s approval). I still don’t know whether he or I caused this dynamic though so I’m scared about being rude to him by focusing on myself. I think I’m ready to take that chance though. My health is more important than trying not to hurt his feelings and I feel like an awful girlfriend anyway because I can’t even let my guard down with him sometimes and he deserves more love than that.

I don’t know how this got so messy! I’m a simple, laid-back person. This has been way over my head. Also we’ve been together for almost three years and I still swing back and forth between knowing we’re perfect together and it’s forever and being terrified that there’s no way this can work because I’m so angry at him and I can’t tell if it’s justified.

I hope I’m not alone. I never had such intense symptoms of BPD until this relationship. I never even knew what it was before maybe a year ago. If I could end my BPD by moving on from this relationship, I’m finally thinking it might be worth it.
 
E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
653
Location
USA
#2
I’m so tired of feeling like a mean person because the feelings I have toward the person I’m supposed to love most are not nice and sweet. It’s like I feel like I hate him even though I don’t. But I feel that way then I must be horrible for being with him.

I feel like I have “post-partum” except with him. I don’t have kids.

I know I deserve to be happy but what if I am happy and too scared to admit it so my self defense is anger? I know sometimes that’s the case and other times he actually does things that tick me off.

I just wish I felt comfortable and free and loved and sure. And I think the only way to feel that way is to spend time apart and see if we naturally get back together. But I don’t know how to suggest that in a positive way.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
508
#3
You can tell him that you need to focus on yourself so that you can be a better person for him. Now his ptsd may come into play, I would suggest you urge him to focus on him and get to therapy.

If you phrase it in a way that it’s really a long term investment to you both, I think it will be received better.

I’m glad you are doing this. Keep us posted with your progress.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
508
#4
Anger seems to be a common theme with bpd by the way. We seem incapable of processing it correctly. You are not alone in this. But I wonder if you are like me ... I think I’m angry at say X, when in reality it’s Y. I literally have to have my therapist unravel it for me. Sometimes the real reason surprises me.
 
E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
653
Location
USA
#5
Anger seems to be a common theme with bpd by the way. We seem incapable of processing it correctly. You are not alone in this. But I wonder if you are like me ... I think I’m angry at say X, when in reality it’s Y. I literally have to have my therapist unravel it for me. Sometimes the real reason surprises me.
That makes complete sense. Also the “I think I’m angry but I’m actually hurt” thing.
 
E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
653
Location
USA
#6
You can tell him that you need to focus on yourself so that you can be a better person for him. Now his ptsd may come into play, I would suggest you urge him to focus on him and get to therapy.

If you phrase it in a way that it’s really a long term investment to you both, I think it will be received better.

I’m glad you are doing this. Keep us posted with your progress.
Thank you :hug:
 

Similar threads