Is he depressed? Feel quite helpless

M

Minoussa

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#1
Hi all,

I was wondering if any of you can help me. Sorry it’s a long story.
My BF and I are together for 8 years now. I’m German, he’s British. We lived together in London. Last year we decided to move (back) to Germany. I was given a great Job opportunity back in my Hometown, which we both agreed I should take. The plan was I move first, find a flat etc. and he follows once he sorted out his work/life back in the UK. (He worked remotely and wanted to check if he can continue so while living in Germany.) I moved last year in April and he told me he will join me in the summer. Unfortunately he lost hisjob out of the blue six weeks before my move. As I couldn’t postpone it we decided I still move.
Over the last year he didn’t make an attempt in joining me. He moved back to his Annexe next to his parents’ house and indulges in ‘personal projects’ and playing computer games. I’m quite annoyed with that, as every time I asked him when he will join me in Germany, he tells me to ‘stop pressuring him’ or ‘project managing his life’.
We still visit each other on a regular basis. I tell him how much I miss him and he tells me does miss me too.

Things became worse on the Easter weekend; I had a flight booked 25th April to stay with him for 2 weeks. On Easter Sunday I went to see some friends and felt very lonely as I missed him so much. I told him that during our daily skype talk in the evening.
The next day (Easter Monday) he told me he doesn’t want me to come and he doesn’t want to see me! I was really shocked and speechless as he couldn’t tell me the reason why…
I decided to ignore it. And we still spoke for nearly 2 hours as every night; the same the next couple of days. I decided to still fly over to see him (although I asked friends if I could stay with them just in case). The night before my flight I told him I’m still coming. He told me he hasn’t clean the flat… Long before the ‘disagreement’ I offered to travel on my own from the airport so he can indulge in his only activity outside the flat (dancing). He told me he will leave the keys in a safe place and I should let myself in. As it happened we both arrived at the same time and he ran towards me, hugged me, kissed me and told me how happy he is that I am there.

Overall my visit was as always, he bought and prepared stuff for breakfast for me. We spent a lot of time together and had a lot of physical contact. By the end of my stay I asked him if he’s ok. He said there is stuff he needs to deal with by himself and he has no words to express them to me. I asked him about our relationship and he said it has nothing to do with me or our relationship. During my whole trip he mentioned our future in Germany and what he wants to do once he’s over there. He still does his daily German course and I told him how proud I am as I know it is not an easy language.
I left a few things behind (with his consent) as my suitcase was full. He delivered me to the airport and it was as heartbreaking as usual.

I came back on Tuesday (7th May) and while we were skyping on Wednesday and Thursday we said goodbye with a kiss through the camera (as usual). His texts also usually end with a kiss.
On Friday this stopped. When we talked I could sense a 'dark cloud' above him but he said he's ok. All messages since then without a kiss, saying goodbye on skype no kiss either. I asked him what’s wrong and he said he ‘doesn’t feel like it at the moment’. We still skype every night between 1- 2 hours as always and talking about everything as usual. But I really miss my kisses and was wondering if it is a form of silent treatment or punishment. But for what?
I am really confused and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to pressure him in making a decision but I also don’t want to loose him.

What can I do?
 
calypso

calypso

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#2
It sounds like he has got it too comfy at his parents house and isn't being responsible. Is he even looking for other work? It could be depression as he could have just let things go as a result of feeling helpless. I don't know actually, it certainly seems odd behaviour. I would worry that he is bottling things up. It doesn't sound as though he wants to get rid of the relationship as he is so happy to see you.
 
M

Minoussa

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#3
Is he even looking for other work?
Thanks for your reply.
He is casually looking for work. But doesn't really put lots of time/effort into it. When I was over he asked me if we could buy a new suit for interviews/work for him as he wanted my opinion on that matter. We did and bought one. Also he showed me jobs that were send to him via email and sounded interesting to him. He told me he might apply for them ( he didn't). I don't want to ask to many questions about it as I don't want to be a nuisance.

Fact is also a friend of us offered him a Job in his company here in Berlin! That friend told me he will keep this position open for him ( it's a contract role, as my BF always worked as a contractor.)

Since I'm back in Germany I can sense a 'dark cloud' above him but when I ask him he tells me everything is fine. (Apart from the missing kisses)
 
calypso

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#4
Seems odd that he won't take up that job opening. Are you sure he wants to move to Germany at all? It could be he is intimidated by it?? If he is depressed then suggest a doctor to him to see if anything can be done - that is if he would even go of course.
 
M

Minoussa

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#5
Seems odd that he won't take up that job opening. Are you sure he wants to move to Germany at all? It could be he is intimidated by it??
I've asked him that and told him that I can understand if he changed his mind or needs more time. That would be something I can 'work' with.
He told me he still wants to move and join me in Germany. He still does his German class and when I was over he spoke about stuff he wants to do once he's here. The whole idea of moving was first initiated by him. He wanted to move in 2014, but we couldn't for reasons. Hence we created a 5 year plan with the idea of moving this year at latest.

That's why I'm now so confused by his behaviour. And as I said, overall out skype 'dates' are as usual. We talk a lot but I don't get a kiss at the end. And I can sense the 'dark cloud'.

I'm feeling really helpless at the moment. Like I'm on a safe path where I can't/shouldn't mention certain topics (job, move, Germany). But on the either side of the path are minefields I need to avoid.

Does that make sense?
 
calypso

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#6
It makes sense what you are saying. What happens if you outright just say it to him that you are confused by him and ask him if he is depressed? I would write a letter to my husband (when we lived in the same house even) when I wanted to get something across. That gave me time to think through what I wanted to say and time for him to formulate an answer that wasn't as immediate as spoken word. Would that work?
 
M

Minoussa

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#7
It makes sense what you are saying. What happens if you outright just say it to him that you are confused by him and ask him if he is depressed?
I tried that once last year when he had a similar (but not as bad as now) situation. Unfortunately it blew right into my face, as he 'is not the person for mental health issues' and 'he's the most metal stable person he knows'...
Then he didn't spoke to me for a week and when I reached out to him again he accused me of hating him. that was around the time he was originally planning to move. It took a lot of talking to reassure him, I still love him no matter what and I flew over spent two weeks with him.

The thing is he was very supportive when I struggled with depressions a few years ago. I'm not sure if he 'understood' them, as he, at the beginning, constantly asked why I'm even depressed, as I have him, a roof over very my head and a job I loved. I explained him it had nothing to do with these things.

i was also thinking of writing a letter as well. also my friend in Munich suggested to come and visit her. I was thinking if I should suggest it to him, as I'm off a week in June. Usually I would fly over to London again, but scared he doesn't want me to come (again). So 'neutral ground' and new environment, might be good for him.
 
calypso

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#8
This is very tricky isn't it? I don't know what else to suggest. How are you feeling about all this? I hope you aren't getting too down about it. Obviously, you must be worried as hell though. My brother is seriously depressed but he also says he doesn't "do depression" so denies it.
 
M

Minoussa

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#9
This is very tricky isn't it? I don't know what else to suggest. How are you feeling about all this? I hope you aren't getting too down about it. Obviously, you must be worried as hell though. My brother is seriously depressed but he also says he doesn't "do depression" so denies it.
Luckily I have a very strong network of family and friends who I can rely on. It's the nights that really get me. I haven't slept well since I'm back and wake up around 2am and then struggle to fall back asleep.

He is in a good mood at the moment. So I'm tiptoeing around to make sure it doesn't change again.

I usually send him pictures of my day/activities if I'm doing something nice. So he knows what I'm up to and feels he's part of it. I don't know if I should still do to that as once he told me -very sad- he can't share anything with me as he's just on his computer the whole day.

As I said I would love to fly over asap to hug him and tell him everything will be fine.

I really hope we can sort this out as I strongly believe in 'being together in good times and in bad times'.
 
calypso

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#10
Its such a shame that he can't admit that he may be in trouble. I'm glad you are OK and have people to lean on through this time. Would he consider couples counselling as a way to get him to get help or would that just send alarm bells that something is wrong with your relationship when deep down you are fine together.
 
M

Minoussa

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#11
I considered Couples counselling but he will never do that. As everything is fine with our relationship, in his mind. Also it might be tricky as we're not in the same country at the moment.

I'm getting really exhausted as I can't stop thinking how to help him without endangering our relationship. I asked him last night if we're still fine as a couple and he said 'of course'. But deep inside I'm scared he might break up with me.
 
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LadyDomino

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#12
Just a thought - the issue with Brexit - its uncertain so far as to what UK citizens workers rights will be like in other EU countries - could this be affecting him?
 

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