Intrusive thoughts about being gay

Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

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Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
151
Location
Germany
#1
Hey,

I never really had OCD diagnosed and I also don't really remember having a strong OCD or anything similar that did burden me at some point.
However, since yesterday, my mind is trying to tell me or asking me if I am gay. The thing I don't believe I am, so it must have something to do with intrusive thoughts?

I saw music videos, one which I had watched multiple times before. There are two girls and a guy in that video. Yesterday my eyes have been a lot on the guy because for some reason he looked funny and interesting. There was no sexual attraction or anything, I don't know why I was so focused on him. Then I thought: What if I am gay? And then I got like really nervous. I avoided that video since then.

I had those thoughts before from time to time, but they never lasted long. This time it's different, this time I get so nervous thinking about it that it makes me doubting my sexuality. I think: When I am not gay, how can I get nervous thinking about being gay or guys? I try a lot do find out if I am gay by checking what I feel if I think about gay interactions or guys. Besides the nervousity I don't really feel much but a strong interest. It's like my mind is pushing me in that direction. Could I have developed a change in sexual identity? I really don't know. But I know my mind has often played tricks on me already and this feels the same. It is very possible I am so interested in it because I always search for new stuff that could help me finding identity, finding who I really am.

Before it was always clear to me I am hetero, I didn't even think about it except the occasional intrusive thoughts, but as I said they never lasted long. And I know I feel very gravitated to stuff that has the potential to give me identity or change it. I have BPD, so maybe this is related, I don't know. Even in my dreams it was always about girls, except two to three times in puberty which had guys in it. I mean it doesn't sound like much if I consider the countless dreams I had with girls, but it's still enough to ask me if those could have been early indicators of me being gay.

I am not sure what to think. Am I really gay or not?
All I know is I never felt attracted to guys, I never had feelings for guys. To be honest, I find male bodies a bit disgusting.

I also noticed I try to seek help now in answering the question if I am gay or not, I feel like part of the reason I opened this thread was to have people tell me I am not. From what I heard though it would be best to ignore those thoughts, right? I just don't know how. Or maybe I have them because I really have become gay.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Aug 17, 2012
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13,491
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The West Country
#2
All I know is I never felt attracted to guys, I never had feelings for guys. To be honest, I find male bodies a bit disgusting.
I think you have answered your own question here - you know deep down that you aren't sexually attracted to other men.

But I appreciate it's not that easy to see when your mind is going over the same question and over-analysing things.
I think with these kinds of thoughts, the more you try to ignore them, the stronger they can become. So I don't know if you can have a phrase that you can say when these thoughts come into your mind... maybe something like "I know that I am straight - I don't need to listen to these thoughts".

I don't know if you've ever tried visualisation but sometimes imagining a thought as a balloon and then trying to see that balloon floating away from you can help put a bit of distance between you and your thoughts.
 
O

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
485
#3
I wonder if something else is triggering these thoughts, and if it helps I am not implying or thinking you are gay...
 
Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

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Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
151
Location
Germany
#4
Thanks guys. It got better the last days because my mind had other things to focus on. I am still struggling a bit but I know atleast that I like girls. If thoughts about being gay pop up I tell myself that.

The image with the balloon is cool, it's kinda nice to visualise it.