- Mar 10, 2019
Thank you for your input. Support. Information. I appreciate it. But we live in a world of (I'm not even sure how to say it). I think that most doctors really have no checks or balances. Except when it comes to high profile highly politicized drugs like narcotics. Or amphetamines. Those are all Schedule II nowadays. Benzodiazepines are still Scheduled IV. There aren't the kinds of limitations placed on them like Schedule II. I've seen many posts on the social anxiety forum I used to frequent where people described being on them for years. And I've seen many (wish I hadn't) posts on illicit forums where users describe the inconceivably high volume of drugs they are taking. Scares the shit out of me. I've seen Michael Jackson's autopsy report (again, wish I hadn't). Every benzodiazepine in existence he was swallowing. Plus, stimulants, sedating antidepressants, and a million more drugs. He was skin and bones. When they opened his stomach they found nothing but partially dissolved or fully dissolved capsules and tablets. He was his own subgenre within the horror genre. I forgot what my point was - I guess it's - I just can't stop right now. But don't have the access or money to buy and devour a Walgreen's. So I'll never be as bad as him. Or Corey Haim. Or Anna Nicole. Or Marilyn Monroe. So I'll survive. I just don't want to end up on neuroleptics one day. I'll keep sipping my chamomile tea and controlling my intake of pills. Somehow. I'm guessing with moral support from my mother - I'll get by. For a few more years. In the meantime, I have to stay away from mental hospitals. And psychiatrists who work in them. I've had a private psychiatrist who accepts Medicare as full payment for the last five and a half years. Soon, when my mom and I leave the NY area for someplace cheaper like Utah or something like that, I'll have to start all over again. And hope I get a doctor who doesn't want to feed me neuroleptics.