I'm in dire need of a real friend

A

Asmara Rse

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
68
Location
Tacoma Washington
#81
This will perhaps be my last thread here as I feel like I've made too many already. I came to these forums looking for people who were able to understand what I'm going through and I found them, that's what matters the most even though my overall feelings of loneliness and worthlessness remain unchanged.

I wanted to chat more than anything, be able to vent out my frustrations and disappointments without judgement and if I got lucky, maybe actually bond with people as well. Unfortunately in the last 12 months or so I've seen more connections being broken than new ones being made. I have questioned myself on how good my social skills are for a long time but now I have no more doubts about it, they are definitely poor and my 0 messages from friends on any platform or media source show that pretty well.

I have all this time to myself yet I cannot come up with anything remotely good because at this point, its starting to feel like torture. There's no activity I'm able to enjoy while having no one to share it with, everything is boring and meaningless, I get no solitude, only crushing loneliness that I try surpressing to the best of my abilities but its hard, really hard. This isn't a life worth living...I'm not thinking about ending it though, what I do think about is how much better things could be if someone out there shown as much interest in having me around as I have done with several people before who end up making me feel guilty for that and like I was being a nuisance to them.

I failed to make true friendships in the real world and online, those who once were good friends of mine in the past have moved on and I couldn't replace them. I'm able to be positive as well, all I need is people showing signs of being interested in me and actually caring for what I say and or do, something that hasn't been happening in recent times.
Hi friend,
Cevram I understand how your feeling. I’m sorry to hear you feel this way now.
I think you write well and your relatable to those of us that suffer same as you and feel the same way and can only understand this from feeling this way.
I am here now and so are you. Yes people leave, but I believe you will gain friends, caring and understanding. Some things take time. A lot of people do care. They’re just going thru stuff too.
What’s it like where you live? What do you like to do most of all if you could do anything what would that be?
 
C

CEVRAM

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
Location
Portugal
#82
I guess destiny just doesn't want to see me improve...so I had mentioned before that I was taking a new medication for anxiety, supposed to be of natural origin and it didn't took more than a few weeks for this great remedy which wasn't meant to have any side effects to bring my panic attacks back during exercising sessions after how hard I had to battle against this previously in order to be able to finally workout once more without itense physical and psychological disconfort. For around 3 months or so, I could go to the gym and be free from any major anxiety rushes like those which trigger panic attacks but now thanks to this stupid medication I'm back to square one and even worse than before beggining the treatment. I have put so much effort and dedication on my workouts over the last few months in order to get a little closer to my goals and now everything is going backwards because I can't even properly train anymore without feeling like I'm having an heart attack or stroke...who knows how long this will last now, last time it took months until I was able to tame my panic attacks. One thing is for sure, without the exercise, my body will slowly deteriorate those gains I worked so far to achieve and with that so will my self loathing and frustration grow and my self esteem drop while I'm powerless to fight back against this inevitable turn of events.

Both my anxiety and depression will be further agraved from my inability to exercise, this was the last straw towards medication, I'm never taking any sort of antidepressants or anxiety medication again, ever, they are clearly not the solution for my problem. First it was Setraline screwing me up and now this, I'm done. The way I see it, the chemical balance or imbalance in my brain is so thin and volatile than anything which messes with it will agravate the situation even more.

As soon as I get a glimpse of improvement in my life, the dark clouds come back all of a sudden to crush my hopes of finding a meaningful and worthy existence...I'm tired of going around in circles, I'm tired of living in constant mental anguish and facing disappointment after disappointment.
I'm sorry for not addressing the previous topic of loneliness but the tides have turned and now this is what's harming me the most of all things. I'm ashamed of going to the gym to act as an hyperactive child pacing around back and forth from the amount of distress anxiety is causing me, I'm sure everyone there noticed it by now, I am just degrading and embarassing myself in front of a crowd.
 
LouisaMogs

LouisaMogs

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2019
Messages
58
Location
Warrington
#83
This will perhaps be my last thread here as I feel like I've made too many already. I came to these forums looking for people who were able to understand what I'm going through and I found them, that's what matters the most even though my overall feelings of loneliness and worthlessness remain unchanged.

I wanted to chat more than anything, be able to vent out my frustrations and disappointments without judgement and if I got lucky, maybe actually bond with people as well. Unfortunately in the last 12 months or so I've seen more connections being broken than new ones being made. I have questioned myself on how good my social skills are for a long time but now I have no more doubts about it, they are definitely poor and my 0 messages from friends on any platform or media source show that pretty well.

I have all this time to myself yet I cannot come up with anything remotely good because at this point, its starting to feel like torture. There's no activity I'm able to enjoy while having no one to share it with, everything is boring and meaningless, I get no solitude, only crushing loneliness that I try surpressing to the best of my abilities but its hard, really hard. This isn't a life worth living...I'm not thinking about ending it though, what I do think about is how much better things could be if someone out there shown as much interest in having me around as I have done with several people before who end up making me feel guilty for that and like I was being a nuisance to them.

I failed to make true friendships in the real world and online, those who once were good friends of mine in the past have moved on and I couldn't replace them. I'm able to be positive as well, all I need is people showing signs of being interested in me and actually caring for what I say and or do, something that hasn't been happening in recent times.

I feel like I could have written this myself. I can really relate it it, and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, it must be awful.

I’ve been through similar things like this, I’m actually going through something exactly like this at the moment.

If you need to speak to someone please feel free to PM me, I’m here whenever you need to chat.
 
T

Tired Out

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 31, 2016
Messages
52
#84
Sounds hellish Cevram. I'm sorry you're having to endure this :hug:
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
10,891
Location
UK
#85
I'm sorry you've has this reaction to the medication, how crushing that must be when you hoped it would help :hug: Panic attacks are so distressing, it must be very hard they're stopping you working out. Have you had any help from a therapist with dealing with them?
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
10,891
Location
UK
#86
Wondered how things are going CEVRAM? Hope you're managing ok :peace:
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
234
#87
I don't have many friends either. Not much family either. It is rather difficult. I can empathize.
 
C

CEVRAM

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
Location
Portugal
#88
Wondered how things are going CEVRAM? Hope you're managing ok :peace:
Things have been quite unstable to be honest, it doesn't takes much for me to become distressed, agitated, annoyed, angry, sad etc, sometimes there isn't even a tangible cause for this but my mood rarely ever stabilizes for a couple hours. Atleast my panic attacks are gone now and I'm able to exercise without feeling physically ill.
 
C

CEVRAM

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
Location
Portugal
#89
I feel like I could have written this myself. I can really relate it it, and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, it must be awful.

I’ve been through similar things like this, I’m actually going through something exactly like this at the moment.

If you need to speak to someone please feel free to PM me, I’m here whenever you need to chat.
Thank you for reaching out, this space and the people in it have definitely helped surpressing some of my loneliness and isolation. When you're accepted and understood without having to hide a part of you or pretend to be someone different, that's a clear indicator that you've met the right people and I can only feel a slight annoyance at myself from not coming here much earlier instead of venturing into other places which weren't nearly as helpful or accepting towards me.

I apologize for being absent from this thread for so long and leaving some posts unaddressed, I could have never imagined that this thread would get so much great feedback and truth be said, I even got a bit overwhelmed from it.
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
234
#91
Only other people who have experienced mood swings and other mental health problems can understand. Even psych doctors who haven't experienced these problems first hand don't understand. I have the mood swings problems as well. It is quite difficult to control at times. It makes me do things I regret.
 
P

pcoventry

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
68
Location
Newport S.Wales
#92
Is that feeling happy 1 minute and then like shit the next? Yup.. just literally had that - can totally understand you
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
10,891
Location
UK
#93
Things have been quite unstable to be honest, it doesn't takes much for me to become distressed, agitated, annoyed, angry, sad etc, sometimes there isn't even a tangible cause for this but my mood rarely ever stabilizes for a couple hours. Atleast my panic attacks are gone now and I'm able to exercise without feeling physically ill.
Sorry to hear things have been quite unstable, it sounds exhausting and distressing to have feelings like that. I'm glad the panic attacks are gone though, that's one good thing, and a major one really :) I'm sorry it's been a bit overwhelming the amount of responses on this thread, I know my posts are often a bit too long! People care though, and want to help, and I hope you've been able to take some good things from it :peace:
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
6,037
Location
NZ
#94
Cevram,
I guess I am fortunate my pdoc gets it.
However when I first met her, as a health processional myself she was a little guarded lol
She's been amazing but of my recovery has been being part of the forum
And I dont know where I would be without the forum.
You deserve all the help that there is,
xx
 
C

CEVRAM

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
Location
Portugal
#95
I don't know why I keep trying so hard, it's more than obvious at this point that I simply cannot feel any sort of real emotional attachment towards people, regardless of how the relationship develops. A part of me hates feeling so lonely and detached from the real world while the other one keeps telling me that I should embrace my social isolation and accept the fact that managing extrapersonal relationships flooded with doubt and suspicion over how valid they truly are is a greater distressing factor than having no relationships at all.

Having friends nowadays feels like a constant race for staying interesting and relevant as a way of providing the kind of instant gratification people want to binge upon in order for them to stay clung onto you and not move towards greener pastures where the quality of the entertainment provided is superior. It's a chore more than anything really and what's even the point when I’m unable to feel like people actually see any worth in my person and enjoy having me around? I'm blind towards that and don't get the cues and the meaning behind the kindness, compliments and words of encouragement I’m faced with after exposing my issues to people, everything just feels so scripted and fabricated as I assume anyone with a bit of decency in them will adopt a sympathetic approach towards someone who is dealing with major psychological struggles, nothing but a natural procedure which doesn't necessarily proves they actually care for real.

I can't deal with the pressure of having to entertain people so that they like me and constantly perceive the ability to success at this task as a pivotal factor for measuring my value as a human being which is a pretty toxic way to handle one's existence. This is why depriving myself of any efforts to create social bonds that won't ever feel solid enough might be the best way for me to achieve some mental stability.

I'm sick of trying and always failing, this leaves me with such intense grief that I can't properly function at acceptable levels for my age. This is the time for me to simply stop caring about friendships and social interactions since the fictional worlds within my mind hold more meaning to me anyway as they are made for me by me and I don't need to get out of character and force things in order to get something positive out of the experience. I will keep feeling like a fake hypocritical douchebag if I continue to desperately seek friendships that I’m unable to perceive as authentic and meaningful. With this said, I have decided to remove myself entirely from online social activities and go back to being a muted anonymous ghost browsing the internet that no one knows about.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
10,891
Location
UK
#96
I'd like to reply CEVRAM but can only post briefly right now. I think I can relate to how you feel, I get it I think. It's all so painful.

I don't think people show interest in you, or post supportively here just out of politeness or because it's what people do. I think there is genuine care behind people's words. But I know it can be hard to feel/believe it. I hope you won't isolate yourself, you have a lot to contribute, here and elsewhere in life, I think it would be a loss. Take care CEVRAM, hope to still see you around :peace:
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
3,196
Location
spams land
#97
CEVRAM if you decide to come back, we'll all be here for you :hug:

You are very very loved on this forum lots and lots :hug:
 
C

CEVRAM

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
Location
Portugal
#98
I'd like to reply CEVRAM but can only post briefly right now. I think I can relate to how you feel, I get it I think. It's all so painful.

I don't think people show interest in you, or post supportively here just out of politeness or because it's what people do. I think there is genuine care behind people's words. But I know it can be hard to feel/believe it. I hope you won't isolate yourself, you have a lot to contribute, here and elsewhere in life, I think it would be a loss. Take care CEVRAM, hope to still see you around :peace:
Perhaps I'm being a little unfair considering how well I've been treated so far on this forum and I'm inclined to say this place offers an exception for what I've said earlier. I just can't seem to gel with the vast majority of people I come across with and even those few with who I'm indeed able to connect, will sooner or later get tired of me and for a good reason I guess, its not like I have anything particularly useful or interesting to offer.

When it comes to social bonding and making new friendships I began to dig my own grave from the point in which I've lost interest in pretty much everything and became unable to think positively and at the same time, I kept having this constant feeling that none of my relationships were truly genuine due to the fact that I feel so detached from the real world and the people in it. As a consequence of this, I am always pretty doubtful and suspicious over how much other people actually enjoy being with me and care for what I say or do and the final verdict is usually not good so I end up wanting to pull myself away from what will become a great source of frustration.

This probably makes no sense and I'm aware that some of my issues are completely illogical yet they still possess great influence over my emotions and actions and define who I am and the person who I am currently simply isn't qualified for having friends and managing close extra familiar relationships. So for my own sake and that of the people I come in contact with, its better for me to simply stop trying and forcing a relationship which lacks functional legs to walk on, so figuratively speaking, things might drag a little for a while and seemigly work well but it wont take long until they run out of stamina and come crashing down, that's how it goes every time.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
10,891
Location
UK
#99
This probably makes no sense and I'm aware that some of my issues are completely illogical yet they still possess great influence over my emotions and actions and define who I am and the person who I am currently simply isn't qualified for having friends and managing close extra familiar relationships.
It does make sense, you're not alone in feeling this.

I kept having this constant feeling that none of my relationships were truly genuine due to the fact that I feel so detached from the real world and the people in it
I am always pretty doubtful and suspicious over how much other people actually enjoy being with me and care for what I say or do
Yes! I know that feeling. It was down to self doubt, low self esteem and depression in my case.

I don't know why I keep trying so hard, it's more than obvious at this point that I simply cannot feel any sort of real emotional attachment towards people, regardless of how the relationship develops. A part of me hates feeling so lonely and detached from the real world while the other one keeps telling me that I should embrace my social isolation and accept the fact that managing extrapersonal relationships flooded with doubt and suspicion over how valid they truly are is a greater distressing factor than having no relationships at all.

Having friends nowadays feels like a constant race for staying interesting and relevant as a way of providing the kind of instant gratification people want to binge upon in order for them to stay clung onto you and not move towards greener pastures where the quality of the entertainment provided is superior. It's a chore more than anything really and what's even the point when I’m unable to feel like people actually see any worth in my person and enjoy having me around? <snip> I can't deal with the pressure of having to entertain people so that they like me <snip> I'm sick of trying and always failing, this leaves me with such intense grief that I can't properly function at acceptable levels for my age. This is the time for me to simply stop caring about friendships and social interactions <snip>
I too have doubted whether I was ever going to be capable of making real emotional attachments. It was my depression clouding how I saw things, plus the lack of good relationships as I was growing up making me think I could never relate to people. I couldn't see that people cared, or liked me, and everything felt fake. As my depression has gradually lifted (and my self esteem improved) I can see now that people do like me and it's genuine. If it's a chore and feels like a constant race to stay interesting, then it's the wrong sort of people you're trying to attract, if they only see someone as 'entertainment' imo. I hear your intense grief at how things are, and how you hate feeling so lonely. Depression tells us we're not interesting, why would anyone like us, why would they be interested, and that we are useless and worthless. When none of these things are true. And what we imagine people are thinking, is often way off the mark. I hope you don't conclude that it's not worth trying any more with friendships and social interactions. We all need other people imo, I know my mental health benefits from contact with others, and suffers when I isolate.

Best wishes CEVRAM :peace:
 
C

CEVRAM

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
Location
Portugal
It does make sense, you're not alone in feeling this.





Yes! I know that feeling. It was down to self doubt, low self esteem and depression in my case.



I too have doubted whether I was ever going to be capable of making real emotional attachments. It was my depression clouding how I saw things, plus the lack of good relationships as I was growing up making me think I could never relate to people. I couldn't see that people cared, or liked me, and everything felt fake. As my depression has gradually lifted (and my self esteem improved) I can see now that people do like me and it's genuine. If it's a chore and feels like a constant race to stay interesting, then it's the wrong sort of people you're trying to attract, if they only see someone as 'entertainment' imo. I hear your intense grief at how things are, and how you hate feeling so lonely. Depression tells us we're not interesting, why would anyone like us, why would they be interested, and that we are useless and worthless. When none of these things are true. And what we imagine people are thinking, is often way off the mark. I hope you don't conclude that it's not worth trying any more with friendships and social interactions. We all need other people imo, I know my mental health benefits from contact with others, and suffers when I isolate.

Best wishes CEVRAM :peace:
Thank you and you're right, depression and anxiety do corrupt, sometimes beyond what can be seen as logical, the way we perceive our self worth over real facts and circunstances which get so distorted by the influence these conditions have on our minds that it can become hard for us to know what to believe in and what not to since insecurity and doubt take over and we just can't feel safe and confident anymore.

It can get impossible for one to develop a tangible belief that they are actually good at something because we are able to see failure where it doesn't exits and at the same time be blind towards the positive achiements we come across with. That's where I am right now and this mindset of never good enough and always something missing is very toxic, not only for our own well being and self esteem but for that of those we engage with as well, the ones who care atleast so all in all, it benefits no one besides the kind of hateful people who enjoy pushing the buttoms on the insecurities and fears of vulnerable individuals.

The thing with my particular case is that I both suffer due to loneliness and isolation and due to the amount of anxiety and insecurity which getting involved in social interactions with people I dont know well brings me.

So basically its a two edged sword of psychological distress where on the loneliness side, depression thrives while on the socializing one its anxiety that assumes the leading role on the mood and confidence shattering department. The truly sad part here is that I only feel confortable interacting with people when expessing my mental struggles just like I'm doing here because its something that brings me a sense of safety and confidence as not only I have a better idea over what's happening inside my head than everyone else hence there isn't the risk of saying something stupid or inaccurate and no one will get triggered or offended over it or mock me either unless once again, they are those kind of awful people from who I try to stay as far away from as possible.

This of course will make me be seen as a very pessimistic person which isn't wrong and obviously others are much more likely to find interest on people who can provide them with better fulfilling topics to talk about than one's mental health thus leaving me out of their social circle.

I just can't help it though, its so hard for me bring up something decent to talk about on a new environment, not only my interests have become very restricted and poorly developed as I'm also constantly worrying about making any mistakes when talking about the things that I'm supposed to have good knowledge on and making myself look like an uncultured fool so with all these debilitating factors I just dont think that I possess the necessary tools to succeed at the task of building and maintaining meaningful and long lasting friendship bonds with others.
 

Similar threads