I'm in dire need of a real friend

C

CEVRAM

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Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
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Portugal
#1
This will perhaps be my last thread here as I feel like I've made too many already. I came to these forums looking for people who were able to understand what I'm going through and I found them, that's what matters the most even though my overall feelings of loneliness and worthlessness remain unchanged.

I wanted to chat more than anything, be able to vent out my frustrations and disappointments without judgement and if I got lucky, maybe actually bond with people as well. Unfortunately in the last 12 months or so I've seen more connections being broken than new ones being made. I have questioned myself on how good my social skills are for a long time but now I have no more doubts about it, they are definitely poor and my 0 messages from friends on any platform or media source show that pretty well.

I have all this time to myself yet I cannot come up with anything remotely good because at this point, its starting to feel like torture. There's no activity I'm able to enjoy while having no one to share it with, everything is boring and meaningless, I get no solitude, only crushing loneliness that I try surpressing to the best of my abilities but its hard, really hard. This isn't a life worth living...I'm not thinking about ending it though, what I do think about is how much better things could be if someone out there shown as much interest in having me around as I have done with several people before who end up making me feel guilty for that and like I was being a nuisance to them.

I failed to make true friendships in the real world and online, those who once were good friends of mine in the past have moved on and I couldn't replace them. I'm able to be positive as well, all I need is people showing signs of being interested in me and actually caring for what I say and or do, something that hasn't been happening in recent times.
 
wolram

wolram

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Feb 22, 2019
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849
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Warwickshire England
#2
This will perhaps be my last thread here as I feel like I've made too many already. I came to these forums looking for people who were able to understand what I'm going through and I found them, that's what matters the most even though my overall feelings of loneliness and worthlessness remain unchanged.

I wanted to chat more than anything, be able to vent out my frustrations and disappointments without judgement and if I got lucky, maybe actually bond with people as well. Unfortunately in the last 12 months or so I've seen more connections being broken than new ones being made. I have questioned myself on how good my social skills are for a long time but now I have no more doubts about it, they are definitely poor and my 0 messages from friends on any platform or media source show that pretty well.

I have all this time to myself yet I cannot come up with anything remotely good because at this point, its starting to feel like torture. There's no activity I'm able to enjoy while having no one to share it with, everything is boring and meaningless, I get no solitude, only crushing loneliness that I try surpressing to the best of my abilities but its hard, really hard. This isn't a life worth living...I'm not thinking about ending it though, what I do think about is how much better things could be if someone out there shown as much interest in having me around as I have done with several people before who end up making me feel guilty for that and like I was being a nuisance to them.

I failed to make true friendships in the real world and online, those who once were good friends of mine in the past have moved on and I couldn't replace them. I'm able to be positive as well, all I need is people showing signs of being interested in me and actually caring for what I say and or do, something that hasn't been happening in recent times.
If you are in need of a friend that understands depression then I am your man, I have struggled like you and know what it is like.
I am a caring person but some times when i am really down i need a friend too.
So PM me any time I am on most days.
All the best Woolie.
 
R

Ramson bangers

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Feb 1, 2019
Messages
1,122
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England
#3
Things can change, you are used to this feeling and you want to make friends. Therefore you seek positive relationships with people and you may find others have similar wishes. Play it cool 'but not too cool'. Be yourself, you are your best friend.
Get out and about. You can meet people at work, college, school or wherever. The odds are greatly in your favour.
 
C

CEVRAM

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Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
Location
Portugal
#4
Things can change, you are used to this feeling and you want to make friends. Therefore you seek positive relationships with people and you may find others have similar wishes. Play it cool 'but not too cool'. Be yourself, you are your best friend.
Get out and about. You can meet people at work, college, school or wherever. The odds are greatly in your favour.
They really aren't trust me, I've met a lot of people over the last few years and didn't connected with most of them and those with who I did eventually got tired of me and gave clear signs that I was being bothersome to them which really hurt. I can't play it cool because I'm depressed and frustrated most of the time, my self esteem is dead and buried and I got no confidence left in me.

I invested a lot of time and effort in fueling my relationships with others, hoping they could show appreciation for that but they didn't and I got sick and tired of trying to no avail. What kind of friends make you feel as if they rather be doing chores than spending time with you? That's the kind of care and interest I'm shown. I dont mean to sound rude btw, sorry, its just my frustration talking.
 
C

CEVRAM

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Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
Location
Portugal
#5
If you are in need of a friend that understands depression then I am your man, I have struggled like you and know what it is like.
I am a caring person but some times when i am really down i need a friend too.
So PM me any time I am on most days.
All the best Woolie.
Thank you very much, its just that I'm very shy when it comes to first impressions and my recent history of online relationships hasn't been good so my confidence is very low right now. I hate the idea of making myself look bad without even realising.
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

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Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Messages
280
Location
California, USA
#6
Hi CEVRAM!

Wow, it's like you pulled the words out of my mouth. I feel a lot like you and I understand how discouraging and soul-crushing things can be when you try and try, but you nothing seems to change. I know its hard. I go through lonliness and being friendless everyday. Sometimes you wonder if the fight is still worth it. But, so long as I'm here I'm gonna fight. I hope and pray you begin to feel better! My fear here and in person is that I won't form meaningful and long connections. But, there are people here who cherishes and appreciates a continuous and supportive friendship. For me I have found two people (say hi to Sunset and Victorianna!) and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here and so is wolram! And Ramson bangers is absolutely right;when you are so used to feeling a certain way it becomes your truth. It's time to discover a new truth. It's there, but it wilk take effort. It may seem impossible, but its reachable.
 
R

Ramson bangers

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Joined
Feb 1, 2019
Messages
1,122
Location
England
#8
They really aren't trust me, I've met a lot of people over the last few years and didn't connected with most of them and those with who I did eventually got tired of me and gave clear signs that I was being bothersome to them which really hurt. I can't play it cool because I'm depressed and frustrated most of the time, my self esteem is dead and buried and I got no confidence left in me.

I invested a lot of time and effort in fueling my relationships with others, hoping they could show appreciation for that but they didn't and I got sick and tired of trying to no avail. What kind of friends make you feel as if they rather be doing chores than spending time with you? That's the kind of care and interest I'm shown. I dont mean to sound rude btw, sorry, its just my frustration talking.
I understand, and your not sounding rude. I hope things look better for you in the future. Im rubbish at giving advice, i just hope you can give yourself a chance and find positive vibes, then you may find alot of doors opening.
I too suffer with depression. I have no energy and am in no way charismatic, im actually very dull. However im quite happy playing my part, the silent one sometimes.
My dad told me ''dont let people know what your thinking'' reason being, you can only trust yourself.
 
C

CEVRAM

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Joined
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Messages
125
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Portugal
#9
Thank you once more. I wish to have someone to talk to everyday even if only for a short period of time who truly understands me and most importantly, likes me for who I am and enjoys my company. It has hurt me so much feeling like a nuisance to others and desperately trying to come up with new and relevant things to tell them in order for them to be interested in me again but nothing worked.

They rarely showed interest in doing something with me or talking about any particular subjects. It was killing me from the inside having to always be the one insisting for things to happen.
 
C

CEVRAM

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Messages
125
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Portugal
#10
My life is extremely dull and repetitive yet I'm unable to change things for the better, I have no motivation, energy or courage left to look for something else. I'm chained to this shallow and meaningless lifestyle.
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

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Joined
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Messages
280
Location
California, USA
#11
Hi again CEVRAM,

You echo my feelings at the moment so much. My quest for building meaningful relationships seems like a chore at times when it should be fun. One important thing I realized was that I had a hard time connecting with others because I didnt connect with myself. For me, I think once I connect with myself and accept myself than life will begin to turn around; I'm sure of it. I used to (and still do somewhat) use my friendships with others to validate how worthy I am. That's such a hard way to live. What I want to tell you and I know it's very hard to do, is to not place so much emphasis on others when youate lonely, but rather on your the relationship with yourself. It's definitely hard to be there for yourself when you feel so empty, but to me that means in desperately need to connect with myself.
 
C

CEVRAM

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Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
Location
Portugal
#12
You are right there, problem being that I'm very toxic to myself and the more time I spend alone, the worse it will become, atleast when I'm engaged in a chat with someone else I can somewhat forget about these issues briefly and get a very needed rest from overloading my brain with all my insecurities, fears and frustrations.

But what I'm getting nowadays is nowhere near enough, I basically only talk with other people besides my parents when I go to the gym in the morning and its pretty much the same kind of talks everytime, I have no close friends there, just casual ones who I dont connect with away from that place, there is no social life for me elsewhere.

I dont even like going to the gym that much, I'm only doing it because I have an extreme obsession with the body and am unable to be satisfied with my physical self regardless of how hard I push myself during my workouts. I keep feeling small and weak and on some days, I truly feel disgusted with my body so the truth here is that my only real hobby and occupation at the moment is something that's obsession driven. I dont do anything out of pure enjoyment and that's why my life is feeling so empty.
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

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Joined
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Messages
280
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California, USA
#13
Hi CEVRAM!

If I had a twin, I think it would be you lol. Are you a practical person? All my life I've only focused on what could make me better, but in doing so, I didn't learn how to have fun. I didn't believe in doing things that wouldn't advance my life. I thought that doing something fun was too trivial, but the effect of not having fun is massive and seems to go on for eternity. I imagine my lack of fun as being out in space and there is nothing, but darkness. Not even a sparkle from the stars! But, I'm trying to have fun. You just gotta make time for some fun for all the seriousness that life brings already. Sometimes you may even have to force yourself to try to have fun, to try something new. You'll be surprised! For little moments that I do have fun, I cherish it, and run with it. I hope you find something that sparks you and makes you thrive. What are you interested in? Better yet, what do you truly want? What do you truly need? Get real honest with yourself. It mights sting a little, but that's why we have band-aids. :)
 
C

CEVRAM

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Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
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Portugal
#14
Wish I had sibblings because maybe that way I wouldn't be feeling this lonely as long as I had a good relationship with them. Its not that I rather do serious stuff than having fun, I just dont know how to have fun at this point and the only kind of things that drive me into investing effort and dedication in them are those which become an obsession to me like working out has since about 5 years ago.

What many people my age perceive as fun and exciting comes out as boring and meaningless to me, going out night to drink for example, I never saw what's so great about that but everyone who I knew around here did it and I never wanted to be part of that so this alone made me seem a lot less appealing to others. There are plenty more factors though and I just never felt like I was fitting in amongst the groups of people that were part of my setting and one particular aspect I noticed was that as I was getting closer to adulthood, it became harder and harder for me to relate with others while on my early teens it seemed much simpler and natural and nowadays its not getting any better by a longshot. I've reached a point of social isolation and outcasting that's really hard to pull out of. It means I would need to build new relationships from scratch and this is something I'm not feeling capable of doing right now due to all the troubles my mental condition is giving me.

On another note, doing any sort of activities alone gives me no enjoyment anymore, either its playing video games, watching movies or series, reading books etc, none of this comes out as interesting or exciting to me.
And no, I dont think I'm a pratical person at all. Something that really sparks my interest is nature and animals, I'm very passionate about it, I even find myself wishing animals could talk and had levels of intelligence similar to ours because maybe just maybe, they wouldn't be as complicated to get along with as humans are. So many of us have dogs and cats at our homes, there's no doubt that a lot less people would feel lonely if they were able to talk with their beloved pets. Oh well, this is just me daydreaming but something I would really enjoy doing would be helping the conservation and preservation efforts of many endangered wild species out there who are facing a risk of extinction in the near future unless the same ones responsable for this situation do something about it.
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

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Messages
280
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California, USA
#15
Hi CEVRAM!

It's definitely frustrating to not have people to connect with. For me, it's so hard to find someone who completely understands me. But, the truth is, I barely understand myself! I can barely connect with myself, so it's no wonder I have a hard time connecting with others! I know it sucks when your interests are so different from others. I have to remind myself to be open-minded with others because if I'm too picky, I would wind up being a very lonely person. I like to believe that no matter how different I may think I am, that I'm still able to connect with others because in the end, we're humans just like each other. We feel the same emotions. And since my social skills aren't "good" either, I have to put in some effort or even more than others who can communicate more fluently. But, the last thing I want to do is to disconnect myself from others because I feel that I'm too different. Have you thought about meeting people who have the same interest as you and will you find a conservation/preservation to volunteer at? And, are you receiving professional help for your mental condition?
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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Jan 25, 2012
Messages
10,891
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UK
#16
Hi CEVRAM, so many good replies in this thread, but I thought I'd add a bit of my own experience, cos I've felt the same way as you, and had to 'learn' how to make friends and have good relationships with people, it hasn't come natually. I'm sorry you've been left alone by some of your friends, that hurts. For a lot of my life I felt I just didn't know how to do it (have friends), and anyone who did call themselves my friend, to me it didn't feel authentic, and it didn't feel like they really knew the real me. I always felt closed off from people, and I felt like a fraud, and too ashamed of myself to let people really get that close. I've realised that it was really how I saw myself and felt about myself that was the biggest obstacle, not that I wasn't likeable or was too dull (I did feel very dull and uninteresting, and couldn't understand why anyone would want me as a friend, and thought anyone who was friendly was only being polite and didn't really mean it). So I think the thing that's made the biggest difference is learning to like and value myself more. And deciding to believe people who were positive towards me, not distrust their friendliness. Learning to like myself, well that's not been an overnight thing. How has it happened...? Well I guess through realising I'm not a bad person for having depression, for struggling with life, and learning to have compassion for myself (I read some good books on self compassion that helped me see things differently). Also therapy has helped me look at the reasons I hated myself, and has helped me build better self esteem. I don't know if therapy is a possiblity for you? Having a therapist really hear me and 'get' me was a great help. I guess I've come to accept that no one will ever truly know me fully though, I think we're all always gonna be mysteries to one another, to some extent. But there is a level of connection that's possible.

You sound an interesting person to me, I like the way you can self reflect and express yourself. To me those qualities make a good friend. I totally get that drinking is not your thing, but there are other ways to spend time with people, not everyone's into drinking and living it up. There are rambling groups, exercise activities, activities at libraries, all sorts of other hobbies, in person or online (online writing groups? discussion things?). With your interest in animals would you be interested in helping at an animal shelter, or walking dogs for people who are unable to walk their own? Or if you like nature, volunteering with a conservation/wildlife group? Some charities are very accepting of the fact some people have mh issues which means they struggle with joining in, and I've seen that accommodated really well in some of the voluntary things I've been involved in. I've often found that it's in doing an activity with other people that you can gradually build up connections, based on your shared interest. I totally get that having 'fun' might seem an impossibilty just now. Maybe aim for mild 'this doesn't feel awful'/'I can tolerate this'? I agree fun's important, but it's sometimes an aim too far. When I'm very depressed there seems little point doing anything, so it has to be micro baby-steps. Just what I can manage, even if it's just for a short while, or even if I only manage a very brief conversation. Maybe these suggestions are something for down the line when you feel a little stronger, the important thing is to do what you can where you are right now (and there's always something, no matter how small), and not beat yourself up if there's things you'd like to do but just aren't possible for the moment. Baby steps.

Yeah that's another thing I've realised... I was so desperate for meaningful connection, for someone to really deeply know me, I didn't appreciate that the smaller things can still help, like a brief exchange at a bus stop, or even a smile from a stranger. Tbh I ran from these things, and couldn't take anything good from them. But I came to see that any connection, no matter how small, can add up to a larger picture of being part of something, part of the human race I suppose, or your local community. So I came to value even these small interactions, and notice they made me feel slightly better, in hindsight.

Loneliness is an awful thing, and it seems to be the blight of our modern society, so many people are lonely and isolated nowadays. I know building new relationships from scratch might seem a step too far atm, but you're already doing it on some level, you're interacting with people here, that's connection. You only have to dip a toe in in real life, these things take time anyway, you might be surprised what's possible if you take it slowly. I don't know if you have any support for your mental health, maybe seeing someone would be a first step if you don't, just your family doctor?

Sorry I've written a load, it all just came tumbling out. I hope this won't be your last thread here, you have a lot worth saying, and there's really no limit on how much you can post, so don't feel you've already said enough, it's fine. There's always more connections to make, more that can be said, and more help you can receive, if you want to.

Good luck CEVRAM, wishing you all the best :peace:
 
C

CEVRAM

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Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
Location
Portugal
#17
Hi CEVRAM!

It's definitely frustrating to not have people to connect with. For me, it's so hard to find someone who completely understands me. But, the truth is, I barely understand myself! I can barely connect with myself, so it's no wonder I have a hard time connecting with others! I know it sucks when your interests are so different from others. I have to remind myself to be open-minded with others because if I'm too picky, I would wind up being a very lonely person. I like to believe that no matter how different I may think I am, that I'm still able to connect with others because in the end, we're humans just like each other. We feel the same emotions. And since my social skills aren't "good" either, I have to put in some effort or even more than others who can communicate more fluently. But, the last thing I want to do is to disconnect myself from others because I feel that I'm too different. Have you thought about meeting people who have the same interest as you and will you find a conservation/preservation to volunteer at? And, are you receiving professional help for your mental condition?
I had regular counseling for about an year and I didn't had any improvements from it, then I've went to 4 psychotherapy sessions already this year and there no results were shown either, I couldn't even achieve mental relaxation, there is just too much going on inside here. I'm now undergoing a new treatment which consists of a few natural medications which are supposed to be effective against my condition but take a while to work, as for now, I'm not really feeling any different. I too struggle to understand myself but for one to understand something, there needs to be a certain logic to it and I'm not sure if any of this that's happening with me is logical, I shouldn't be this unhappy and desperate in such early stages of my life, I'm only 23!

I have been making a lot of efforts to appeal others and show genuine interest in them and the things they enjoy, trying to be as open minded as I can and address every little detail of what they said to me in order for them to not feel like as if they are being ignored to some degree but I haven't received the same kind of treatment from the other side on most occasions. So often I've been met with a complete lack of interest from others towards the things I said, honestly it felt as if at times people would rather be doing chores than spending time talking with me. I would rarely be reached out by someone, even when I had been the last one sending a message so an answer was being required at some point and rarely came. I felt so unwanted because of this and couldn't understand it, I was giving it my best but that never seemed enough to please others so it surely didn't pleased me either, it only made me feel like a complete failure.

I got into an online community which supposedly had people who shared some of my interests and even though things were looking promising at the start, they soon began following the route I mentioned earlier and so I had to leave it since the pain of being so unappreciated and uncared for was becoming overwhelming, I was feeling so agitated and angered from all this, even the slighest of things could make me snap and I did towards some people which I truly regret. This was a clear sign my time there was up. It was my only major experience with online communities and since it went so badly, I'm not looking foward to give that another shot any time soon, well except here but its a completely different scenario on these forums, this was my last resort to socialize with people outside of my own environment and fortunately it has been going well.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to find anything useful relating to the career I'm wishing to follow while I was there. Here in Portugal there isn't much to pick from when it comes to wild life sanctuaries and I haven't even been able to find out what's required in order to get a job at one of those places, what qualifications and resources one needs and such. I haven't seen anything about volunteering in such places here and since I dont have a driving's license, my range of mobility is pretty limited and there is nothing of sorts near where I live.
 
C

CEVRAM

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Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
125
Location
Portugal
#18
Hi CEVRAM, so many good replies in this thread, but I thought I'd add a bit of my own experience, cos I've felt the same way as you, and had to 'learn' how to make friends and have good relationships with people, it hasn't come natually. I'm sorry you've been left alone by some of your friends, that hurts. For a lot of my life I felt I just didn't know how to do it (have friends), and anyone who did call themselves my friend, to me it didn't feel authentic, and it didn't feel like they really knew the real me. I always felt closed off from people, and I felt like a fraud, and too ashamed of myself to let people really get that close. I've realised that it was really how I saw myself and felt about myself that was the biggest obstacle, not that I wasn't likeable or was too dull (I did feel very dull and uninteresting, and couldn't understand why anyone would want me as a friend, and thought anyone who was friendly was only being polite and didn't really mean it). So I think the thing that's made the biggest difference is learning to like and value myself more. And deciding to believe people who were positive towards me, not distrust their friendliness. Learning to like myself, well that's not been an overnight thing. How has it happened...? Well I guess through realising I'm not a bad person for having depression, for struggling with life, and learning to have compassion for myself (I read some good books on self compassion that helped me see things differently). Also therapy has helped me look at the reasons I hated myself, and has helped me build better self esteem. I don't know if therapy is a possiblity for you? Having a therapist really hear me and 'get' me was a great help. I guess I've come to accept that no one will ever truly know me fully though, I think we're all always gonna be mysteries to one another, to some extent. But there is a level of connection that's possible.

You sound an interesting person to me, I like the way you can self reflect and express yourself. To me those qualities make a good friend. I totally get that drinking is not your thing, but there are other ways to spend time with people, not everyone's into drinking and living it up. There are rambling groups, exercise activities, activities at libraries, all sorts of other hobbies, in person or online (online writing groups? discussion things?). With your interest in animals would you be interested in helping at an animal shelter, or walking dogs for people who are unable to walk their own? Or if you like nature, volunteering with a conservation/wildlife group? Some charities are very accepting of the fact some people have mh issues which means they struggle with joining in, and I've seen that accommodated really well in some of the voluntary things I've been involved in. I've often found that it's in doing an activity with other people that you can gradually build up connections, based on your shared interest. I totally get that having 'fun' might seem an impossibilty just now. Maybe aim for mild 'this doesn't feel awful'/'I can tolerate this'? I agree fun's important, but it's sometimes an aim too far. When I'm very depressed there seems little point doing anything, so it has to be micro baby-steps. Just what I can manage, even if it's just for a short while, or even if I only manage a very brief conversation. Maybe these suggestions are something for down the line when you feel a little stronger, the important thing is to do what you can where you are right now (and there's always something, no matter how small), and not beat yourself up if there's things you'd like to do but just aren't possible for the moment. Baby steps.

Yeah that's another thing I've realised... I was so desperate for meaningful connection, for someone to really deeply know me, I didn't appreciate that the smaller things can still help, like a brief exchange at a bus stop, or even a smile from a stranger. Tbh I ran from these things, and couldn't take anything good from them. But I came to see that any connection, no matter how small, can add up to a larger picture of being part of something, part of the human race I suppose, or your local community. So I came to value even these small interactions, and notice they made me feel slightly better, in hindsight.

Loneliness is an awful thing, and it seems to be the blight of our modern society, so many people are lonely and isolated nowadays. I know building new relationships from scratch might seem a step too far atm, but you're already doing it on some level, you're interacting with people here, that's connection. You only have to dip a toe in in real life, these things take time anyway, you might be surprised what's possible if you take it slowly. I don't know if you have any support for your mental health, maybe seeing someone would be a first step if you don't, just your family doctor?

Sorry I've written a load, it all just came tumbling out. I hope this won't be your last thread here, you have a lot worth saying, and there's really no limit on how much you can post, so don't feel you've already said enough, it's fine. There's always more connections to make, more that can be said, and more help you can receive, if you want to.

Good luck CEVRAM, wishing you all the best :peace:
I can relate with a lot of what you said there although therapy hasn't been working so well for me. I dont know why but when it comes to going to places and talking with people for formal reasons, for example asking informations about a certain job, I always feel so debilitated and have mental hiccups that make me slurr through words as if something inside me wants to avoid anything that's not friendly informal banter at all costs, that's probably one of the main reasons I haven't got myself to an animal shelter and began doing some volunteer work. Any sort of real responsability leaves me feeling extremely pressured and agitated because I never feel able to cope with them since I've lost confidence in my own abilities and my self esteem is pretty low, not to mention that I'm constantly having mood swings so at one given moment I might be content and decently focused, since that's very hard for me, doing something and suddently everything changes which causes me to entirely lose the willingness to keep doing what I was doing. Its not that I'm content doing something often to begin with but the main point here is that even simple responsabilities and tasks which seem so trivial to most people are likely to come out as huge obstacles for me.

Then there are my body image issues which have a big negative impact on my life almost on a daily basis and along with loneliness have been something I've struggled a lot to overcome and surpress, it can make a decent day turn into a horrible one with just a couple of toxic thoughts. Its also hindering my ability to communicate and relate with others in a healthy and positive manner since it has such a bad influence on my self esteem. I'm lacking an ability to like myself and despite knowing how important that is, I'm still unable to derail the train of awful thoughts running circles around my mind and making me have a pessimistic view towards life. The feeling that my best efforts haven't been enough to improve some aspects of my life as those aimed towards breaking down my loneliness, has further increased my frustration and disappointment at myself as well as humans and society in general because well, I'm feeling more and more like an outcast and a piece that doesn't fit in the puzzle I'm supposed to be part of.

I can't show appreciation for the little positive circunstances in life anymore because that's the most I've been able to get without ever reaching something bigger and more meaningful. It will take more than just a tasty meal, a funny joke or a little chat with someone here and there to change the way I'm feeling and even compliments from other people seem to have little to no effect on me at this point. I'm aware that I can't ever achieve anything big while being so imcapable of finding joy in smaller things but it is how it is, as much as I try to be positive, this never lasts long enough for me to actually get somewhere. I might not see myself as a truly bad person but I dont think I'm a good one either. You know those big transparent lottery machines that have a bunch of balls with numbers in them spinning around inside them until one pops out from a hole in the bottom? That's how I feel like my thoughts and emotions work, there is no logic in here, its all random, everything is spinning around inside my mind until one particular thought or emotion leave the pile and then I'll be dealing with them to the point in which they fade away, then the process repeats itself over and over again. Is it influenced by the outside world? Yes but not nearly as much as it should be.
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

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Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Messages
280
Location
California, USA
#19
Hi CEVRAM!

I went to therapy shortly myself and I will be returning soon, so I dont know how much it could of helped me, but I'm hoping that my return to therapy and sticking with it will make a big difference. I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble with treatment, but I'm also glad that you're continuing your fight with your mental condition. You ARE very young! Do you have grey hair? Lol. I think so much that my forehead is wrinkly from all that squinting and my hair went grey even faster because of stress. Sometimes life just can't be explained in a way we wish to understand and sometimes things just happen. I try to find meaning in everything and it drives me crazy. Sometimes seeing a snail with a broken shell is just what it is and it's not a message from the Universe showing me a lesson about patience lol (true story). I find that clearing my mind helps me a whole lot more than thinking about everything.

I understand how painful it can be when you give your all to reach out to others and you don't see a hand returning back to you. I learned that you either "click" with people or you don't. And for me, I dont have to much clicking! Maybe I need to find people who clucks instead lol. That's a joke, as AliceinWondeland mentioned, a small connection with others can make a difference. Do you think your expectations are too high for others? Its sounds silly, but I always expect others to be show as much passion as me when I want to connect with them, but there are so many minds in this world that not everyone thinks like I do.

I'm sorry to hear that people you were close are no longer in contact with you. I hate that feeling of being abandoned. I had to accept many times that people move on with their lives and so should I. It's not fair for me or even you to dwell and be trapped on what was or what could be. Let go of the old and in with the new. It's just life. Sometimes its nothing personal against you, but dont let others have so much power over your happiness because most if the time they don't deserve you.

Sorry to hear that your resources are limited regarding your interest. I gonna cheer you on and say don't give up especially because conservation/ preservation is something that you're really interested in, so dont throw that away! Find a way to make all that you wish happen! How is your transportation system in Portugal? Are you able to get a driver's license? Something has to work out for you! It has to.

And I'm very happy your are giving this forum a chance. You dont have to be alone with what your going through.
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Messages
280
Location
California, USA
#20
Hi again CEVRAM,

Have you tries ping meditation? Or anything that's calming fofor your body and mind? Perhaps yoga? It seems like your thoughts are wild. There a quite waking the lines like "A mind is terrible master, but a good servant." I think your toxic thoughts are your won worst enemies. Have you tried to change the narrative in your mind? Question those toxic thoughts?
 

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