I havent left my house in years

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SomehowExisting

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May 26, 2019
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Canada
#1
I have aspergers and OCD. I was kind of a normal kid, just a little depressed and didnt have any friends after my family moved to a new state, but I think it wouldve been fine. But then I had a video go viral on the internet when I was 12 and got made fun of a lot for it. People began recognizing me in person and it terrified me. That developed my fear of going in public. I would go months without leaving the house, I refused to even go to the grocery store or go in the car with my mom to pick up my baby brother from daycare because I'm so uncomfortable in public.

I know I used to go to school and have friends before 12 but I dont remember what having those things felt like. I want friends, I want to be able to leave the house like other people. I dont even know anymore what people do when they leave the house though.

Then when I was 14 I became a victim in a federal child exploitation case. When the internet found out I was involved in that, they bullied me, stalked me, made fun of me, etc. to this day. Its mostly an alt-right, pro pedo, violent community who harasses me and they dont stop even though I dont engage back. It's terrible and it makes me even more scared to go in public.

I'm scared whenever anyone looks at me, I'm scared to speak, I'm so scared of leaving my house.

My average day is waking up, ruminating on how much everyone online hates me, how much of an unlikable person I must be, how the child exploitation was my fault, hating every bit of myself etc, etc. Crying all day and self loathing for 12 hours until I fall asleep again and have bad nightmares. Then I wake up exhausted and repeat. This has been the last few years of my life and I want out.

I have no clue where to start. Can someone please help me? How can I make friends and change my life when I'm too scared to even leave my room
 
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Hydrophobia

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Mar 31, 2019
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South Carolina
#3
That’s gotta be terrible. I’ve had something similar happen to me in regards to something about me going viral online, although just not as bad as what happened to you. I hope you get well. Feel free to peruse the site there’s a lot of reaching out you can do.
 
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OCDguy

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#4
Everything about your post SomehowExisting screams "victim". You should feel no shame, and people should be putting you at ease and welcoming you :hug: Have you had any support in regards to all of this :hug: It's been a long time since this was public knowledge, and you'd be surprised how soon people forget, especially when they are so wrapped up in their own little worlds. No comfort to you, when you have been re-living this hell daily I know :hug:
 
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gam9147

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Feb 18, 2019
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Delaware, USA
#6
Hi.

I just wanted to add my voice to welcome you and hope you find only kindness and acceptance here.

Who are your emotional supports during this time? Parents? guardians? other family or friends? Tell us about what you do have, and let's start there.

I think to answer your question -- therapy is going to be important for you to get started. I'm glad you want to try to work on this, and you can get feel better!

Do you have access to a doctor and/or can you get a referral to a therapist to get you started?
 
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SomehowExisting

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#7
Everything about your post SomehowExisting screams "victim". You should feel no shame, and people should be putting you at ease and welcoming you :hug: Have you had any support in regards to all of this :hug: It's been a long time since this was public knowledge, and you'd be surprised how soon people forget, especially when they are so wrapped up in their own little worlds. No comfort to you, when you have been re-living this hell daily I know :hug:
Thank you for the kind words. People have posted photos of me daily and mocked me on various sites for nearly 4 years. Since I was 13 to nearly 17. Every day there's a new post even though I don't respond and have nothing at all up on social media. No accounts, no presence, no life, nothing to even talk about but they still stalk me. It feels like it'll never stop. I really feel like I havent done anything for years because I'm just trying to let it die down, but it never does. I didnt look online for over a year, but it just got worse and people began stalking me in person instead of over the internet. Theres no available legal remedy either since everyone doing it is anonymous. I feel so hopeless.

I know technically the child exploitation should not be my fault, but I still think of little details within the circumstances that make me think I could've done x, y, or z differently, so I blame myself. Then it doesnt help that I have people who are pro-pedophilia on these sites writing page long posts about why I was in the wrong.

My family is amazingly supportive and I've been in therapy this whole time, but I must say it's getting worse every month. The feedback I'm given is along the lines of "just think about something else and when you think about it tell yourself to stop". Almost impossible with OCD. I've tried many forms of therapy and been on dozens of different medications over the years but nothing changes. It just feels very hopeless.
 
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SomehowExisting

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#9
can you complain to the sites that the bullying is on so they take it down? :hug:
Thank you for the suggestion, but they are mostly pro-pedophilia sites, "free speech sites" and alt-right forums that allow anonymous posting. All of the sites actively encourage doxxing which is collecting data on people like full name, address, etc. and publishing it online for people to harass the individuals. Most of these sites have no reporting features and a small user base. I realize these aren't sites that any normal person would go on and it isn't indicative of the general population, but I just havent been able to shake the constant fear that comes along with it 😕
 
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SomehowExisting

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Canada
#11
sounds like the sort of sites the cops might be interested in to get them shut down :hug:
Definitely. The police are aware and there's an active case open for cyberstalking but it just hasn't gone anywhere. Its taken years for investigation and there has been no action. One of the sites involved was eventually suspended three years after my initial report. It wasn't taken down because of me though, I believe they got in trouble for other matters. The person put up a new site within a few months and was right back to it. "Free speech" also comes into play and it gets very difficult. Then many of the site hosts are in countries like Russia and Brazil. I just feel so scared.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Tigger and Willow's house
#13
is it the exact address you live in currently that they are spreading round? Has anyone come to your house and actually done anything to you? :hug:
 
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SomehowExisting

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#14
is it the exact address you live in currently that they are spreading round? Has anyone come to your house and actually done anything to you? :hug:
A man came to my house and took photos through my window only one time. They were reported to police and nothing happened like that ever again. Everything else has been an empty threat, but it still controls my thoughts and makes me fear everyone. It seems irrational to think about it all day since it happened only one time, but I cant rid myself of it. Every noise I hear I think someone is in my house. I fear getting killed because people say it online and I just never feel safe anymore. I should work on thinking about reality instead of fearing things that havent happened, so that's something to remind myself. Thank you ❤
 
Lunus

Lunus

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May 20, 2019
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Norfolk
#15
A man came to my house and took photos through my window only one time. They were reported to police and nothing happened like that ever again. Everything else has been an empty threat, but it still controls my thoughts and makes me fear everyone. It seems irrational to think about it all day since it happened only one time, but I cant rid myself of it. Every noise I hear I think someone is in my house. I fear getting killed because people say it online and I just never feel safe anymore. I should work on thinking about reality instead of fearing things that havent happened, so that's something to remind myself. Thank you ❤
I suffered from Social Phobia and have been confined to the house like you, too afraid to answer the door or even the phone, so I empathise with your situation. Being afraid of people is truly awful but as you say a lot of it is based upon irrational thoughts and feelings.
Maybe a book by Gillian Butler, Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness would help you? It has a lot of self help exercises and certainly helped me conquer my irrational thoughts and fears. I wish you well.
 

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