How to heal when your abuser is still part of your life

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Confusedandanxious

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#1
I have C-PTSD and have two of my abusers in my life still. Both family members. Both were emotional abusive with aggressive outbursts. Both have been physical with me before.

One is still extremely angry and when they're angry they want everyone to know. Their body language alone when they're like this sends me spiralling.
Their anger doesnt even need to be directed at me.

I dont live with either of them but do need to be around them from time to time. The angry one more than the other.
How do I deal with this? Because I'm at the point where I want to vanish to avoid it all.
 
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Jules5

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#2
You have to forgive yourself first and tell yourself it is not your fault that they treated you this way. Forgive them to as it is sad they did not change and still carry around angier. Do no carry around the anger or hurt you went through. I know this is easier for me say than for you to do. I hope you are talking about this to a therapist it seems you have allot to dig up and get out in the open with therapist. I know it is hard to be around the family who has mistreated you.

I have been mistreated by some of my family members too-I spent most of my life acting like nothing was wrong when I always felt I was walking on eggshells waiting for the abuse to start over again. Today I really do not talk to my family as I did stick up for myself and this did not go over to well. Toxic relationships have to be avoided until you can feel strong enough through therapy and supportive friends to help you stick up for yourself. what do you have to lose? Just a suggestion Bunches of hugs
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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#3
Why do you need to be around them? What I'm asking is could someone else do whatever it is that they do when they are in your life? :hug:
 
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Confusedandanxious

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#4
You have to forgive yourself first and tell yourself it is not your fault that they treated you this way. Forgive them to as it is sad they did not change and still carry around angier. Do no carry around the anger or hurt you went through. I know this is easier for me say than for you to do. I hope you are talking about this to a therapist it seems you have allot to dig up and get out in the open with therapist. I know it is hard to be around the family who has mistreated you.

I have been mistreated by some of my family members too-I spent most of my life acting like nothing was wrong when I always felt I was walking on eggshells waiting for the abuse to start over again. Today I really do not talk to my family as I did stick up for myself and this did not go over to well. Toxic relationships have to be avoided until you can feel strong enough through therapy and supportive friends to help you stick up for yourself. what do you have to lose? Just a suggestion Bunches of hugs
Thanks for your reply. I am speaking to a therapist, yes. I dont think I could cope at all without one to be honest.
Really, I have nothing to lose. Guilt and expectations of others are what keep me there. I am working on this in therapy. I am standing up for myself, but the manipulation attempts are obviously increasing due to this. Which in turn is triggering me more so.
I'm sorry you have dealt with toxic family members too. It is really hard.
 
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Confusedandanxious

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#5
Why do you need to be around them? What I'm asking is could someone else do whatever it is that they do when they are in your life? :hug:
I guess I'm still in the FOG. One of them I've managed to set boundaries that they stick to, so its not too bad now. The angry one - others could take over, but I'm expected to carry on "helping" and made to feel guilty when I try and see to myself. I have put my foot down and taken a step back at the moment because I simply couldn't cope.

After posting this I realise I need to do a lot of work on myself still.
I feel lost and stuck as it's really affecting me right now and its bank holiday weekend. I cant see my therapist to hash it out with them to level my head. I have never looked forward to a Tuesday as much as I am this weekend haha
 
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Girl interupted

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#6
What gave me peace was realizing my abuser was mentally ill herself. That she didn’t even realize what she was doing was wrong. That perspective gave me better armour because it allowed me to take me out of the equation. It wasn’t my fault. It was hers. And she was so ill she was incapable of recognizing it.

Are you sure you don’t have bpd? Ptsd and bpd get misdiagnosed all the time.
 
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Confusedandanxious

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#7
What gave me peace was realizing my abuser was mentally ill herself. That she didn’t even realize what she was doing was wrong. That perspective gave me better armour because it allowed me to take me out of the equation. It wasn’t my fault. It was hers. And she was so ill she was incapable of recognizing it.

Are you sure you don’t have bpd? Ptsd and bpd get misdiagnosed all the time.
There is a mental illness there but through most of my healing journey I've had to learn that there is no excuse for abuse. I find it hard to accept that as a reason for the behaviour. Although I can understand it a bit better, i cant accept it as a way to justify it if you know what I mean.

I definitely have a diagnosis complex PTSD.
 
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Girl interupted

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#8
Oh gosh no, I’m not excusing the abuse. Ever.

But because I was a little like Don Quixote, jousting at windmills, trying desperately to make my abuser accountable, it made me more miserable, because they were never going to acknowledge the abuse.

It was only when I used the mental illness lens on my abuser that I was ever able to gain any peace. And that after 50 years.

Any type of abuse is unacceptable. But recognizing that my abuser was incapable of recognizing that gave me some peace.
 
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Confusedandanxious

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#9
Oh gosh no, I’m not excusing the abuse. Ever.

But because I was a little like Don Quixote, jousting at windmills, trying desperately to make my abuser accountable, it made me more miserable, because they were never going to acknowledge the abuse.

It was only when I used the mental illness lens on my abuser that I was ever able to gain any peace. And that after 50 years.

Any type of abuse is unacceptable. But recognizing that my abuser was incapable of recognizing that gave me some peace.
Sorry. I see what you mean.
I'm just having difficulty handling myself when around one of them and find its haulting my healing. Im glad you found some peace.
 
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