Hello.

M

Mbtwok

New member
Joined
Apr 17, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Portugal
#1
Hello everyone.

I came here today to talk a bit and get some things out of my chest. It's okay if nobody responds but I would like an opinion.

So ever since I was a kid life was never generous. I grew up thinking it was ok because everyone said life is hard.
So I kind of stumbled through the early years.
I was always extremely unlucky with every situation that was put in front of me. Things would stop working, things were wrong, there was a missunderstanding, etc. Every time, I always had to waste more time and money than everyone else to solve the simple things like getting my first credit card. I always took it with strenght but I think it's enough now.
When I mean everytime, I'm not exaggerating. Everytime.
There was never a time in my life where things went smooth and according to plan. Even little things that nobody cares about.
Growing up my sister was always the best, she had the best grades, she had lots of friends, and even now, she's working her dream job, she has a nice boyfriend, she's surrounded by friends.
Me on the contrary was always the slow one. Never really had bad grades but they weren't good either. I had to study three times harder to achieve half of the results. I didn't understand.
I had no friends, I even remember some of the teachers mocking me for having a stutter. Everyone always compared me to my sister. "Your sister is so social!" "You are nothing like her!" That was enough.
I ended up making a friend or two along the way, they were few but good. But no matter who I was with I always felt very alone, I didn't know why.
Recently, I was watching tv, and I was watching a handball game, which isn't even a sport I fancy. I saw one of my old classmates. He was there, representing the country. He was one of the main players. I suddently felt completely useless. Guess what? Couple days later, I see another one of my classmates, but this time it's some sort of fighting sport. He's going to another country this month to represent the country as well.
Well I'll be damned. I decided to create a facebook account to see what other of my old schoolmates were up to. Since I was missing out on some of their achievements.
Almost all of them seemed very happy and working on their dream fields. What am I doing? Nothing. Finished college and I'm just here, checking facebook profiles like a creep. My sister is working in another country living with her boyfriend, my parents are very proud of her, and of course I am too. But I can't seem to understand why my life has been like this since I was a little kid.
Just once, I would like it if things went my way. Just once.
I know, I know, "life doesn't always go your way."
Well in my case it never did. I really wasn't exaggerating when I said it. I can not remember one moment of my life where I thought "Hey, everything went according to plan!". Not a single moment.
And it all comes down to this. Me sitting watching a random game of a sport I don't even like. Seeing my old classmates achieve everything they wanted and more.

What angers me the most is that I was never lazy. I worked hard, all my life. I passed college with no problems and I had plently of nights without sleep.
During 6 years of college I never had a single friend. Did I talk to people to make it easier? No, It's my fault I know.
What's wrong with me? I don't like this at all. It seems like everyone I speak with is better than me. I feel so incredibly inferior I can't even take it sometimes. I am very confident on the outside though, I always put on a smile and walk with my chest and head up, wich helped me a bit with girls, I guess? During my life I can remember 5 girls who have confessed their love for me. I rejected all of them. I always felt that if they saw the real me they would ditch in a second. My confidence is fake. It seems to make people like me but I always ruin it because I know it's not the real me.
I never had feelings for any of them anyway so it wasn't that bad.
But there was someone I liked. This girl I met in college. I had never had feelings for anyone up until that moment.
Did I talk with her? Only about college stuff. Ruined every chance I had with her and why? Because my stupid brain keeps having these inferiority thoughts. I can't stand it. I've been extremely unlucky my entire life and now more than ever I feel absolutely useless to society. I could stand the fact I was unlucky. My parents always said luck will come one day.
That day is late I guess. Even if luck comes now my entire early years are ruined. College, which is supposedly your best time, just passed right by me. Was always too scared to talk to people so I didn't have to show the real me. The real useless me, filled with self pity, which I absolutely hate.
 
J

johnram

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 2, 2018
Messages
226
#2
Sorry to hear you feel this way.
Glad you have found the power to post, and hoping someone can advise.
I just want to say, as i can relate in some ways, things can change, but it will take time and likely a slow change in perspective (well that is what i am trying anyway)

i wish you well
 
daffy

daffy

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
3,458
Location
hiding behind the sofa
#3
Hi and :welcome:. It’s sounds as if your a bit low at the moment. Do you have a job, because maybe your in the wrong profession and that’s causing you problems. Do you know what you want to do in your life.
 

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