Hello, i'm new here :).

Shy Smile

Shy Smile

Member
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Mexico
#1
So i'd like to tell my experience.
I'm 19. Mexico. Entered college aprox. in Sep 2018.

First and foremost,
I've always been shy and introvert. I'm more sensitive and emotional and hate that macho man figure "all men should follow". You know, "men don't cry", "men mustn't show emotions", etc. I don't like partying, bring in a place with a lot of people. I orefer being in a small group with friends i really trust. Once there's confidence enough between someone else and i then I smile and joke. Socializing is hard for me.

This introversion made me stay at home afterschool, during weekends and holidays. Most of the time was me in my room, playing videogames, watching youtube and writing. It was until i entered college that those moments afterschool, weekends and holidays felt like hell. I met wonderful ppl and my favorite time was being in classes. I felt like afternoons were just me losing time and waiting til college. Waiting was all i did. I passed Christmas Holidays witg my family. It wasn't that bad, i love my 2 sisters and my parents, but i still wanted to come back to college...
I went back, but days became monotonous. I have epilepsy since 2014 aprox. and i take a small dosis of anticonvulsants every morning and evening. Some side effects are drowsiness (i yawn a lot), difficulty paying attention and some minor problems. But then it got worse and my memory was worse too. I think it was bcoz of my mental state. I couldn't read becayse i immediately started thinking bad stuff, i couldn't watch movies and the motivation to do something was low. I made suicidal and depression jokes and comments, every time i had a small chance. I kept saying i was joking, but it showed i had something going in my head. Some ppl got a lil bit worried, others didn't. I've always write fiction. I love writing. Even homeworks about writing, even if it's an essay, i enjoy them. I started writing as a hobby probably in 2013-2014. All my works had a bad ending, ALL. Suicide, death to different causes or simply a tragedy. I didn't care too much, i just felt tragedy was my fav thing to read and write about. Then my writings become more personal than they can get. I made up a character named Odriew in which i expressed through him what felt. He was depressed. I did some drawings, I showed them to my friends and only 2 from about 10 who read it noticed it was me expressing who i was feeling. I told my bestie i was kind of depressed. Some ppl told me they were there for me. Some said "we should hang out tomorrow", "We should go out some day". They totally forgot the next day. They talk and talk, that's all they do.
I don't want my family to know, i live them too much to tell them. I know how my mom is and how she would take it.

I thought self-harming was simply stupid and a nonsense. But talking and thinkig about it made my curiosity lean out. I went from thinking how stupid it was to actually trying it.

It was a Monday or Wednesday at night. I told that friend and she said she'd tell on of my sisters who studies in the same place but a different career. I kind of stopped but like a week or too i relapsed. I kept telling my friends but they just said things and never helped me acting. I still write sad stuff, i stilllose time afternoons and now I'm in holidays. Days are boring and empty, but I've been clean for some time. The thing is i haven't dine it because in about a month I'll be going with a dermatologist due to a problem of pimples in my back and chest and part of my shoulders (genetic crap). I think I'm effed up because some scars are still visible and I'll have to go with my mom. I don't want her to notice nor the dermatologist to tell her when he/she sees it...
If everything goes "well" I'm planning doing it again after the appointment. I feel like self-harming is bad just as it is drinking, smoking, piercings, eating too much or nothing, etc. If ppl drink or smoke without having problems then i can do this too. It could be even aesthetic. I think they look nice but i do it bcoz of anxiety too. I'm not suicidal btw.

I had a classmate i shared likes with and we both had a depressive humour but he left the career to try and get in cinematography in the public university. I started self-harming after he left (not because of him leaving but it affected too). My bestie will do tge same so once this holidays end she won't be there :(
Btw when i felt depressed (probably from January to March and maybe still am) i had a loss of appetite in the mornings, difficulty with attention, memory problems and lack of motivation + self-harming habits and writing and drawing suicidal and depressive stuff.

Ifyou read all this thnx, i wrote A LOT. Forgive my spelling, misstypes and grammar, I'm not the best with english (clearly).

Sorry
 
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Meet me in the dark

Meet me in the dark

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 17, 2019
Messages
96
Location
United States
#4
Hi, Cesar, I'm C. You clearly have a lot going on & I can really relate to your story... I'm 19, too, with anxiety, depression, and self-harm. I was in college for the first time in August of 2018 when my depression came to a head, and all of my songs that I wrote and drawings I created started being about suicide. So I think it's really a warning sign that you are seeing this in your creative writing. I really want to encourage you to see a counsellor before it gets out of hand like mine did. Most colleges provide free counselling services- they can help ypu cope with your depression and anxiety.
Thanks for joining the forum- I hope this can be a safe & helpful place for you. <3 I'm happy to chat whenever if you ever want. Welcome!
(PS: your English is pretty good, in my opinion :)
 
Shy Smile

Shy Smile

Member
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Mexico
#5
Hi, Cesar, I'm C. You clearly have a lot going on & I can really relate to your story... I'm 19, too, with anxiety, depression, and self-harm. I was in college for the first time in August of 2018 when my depression came to a head, and all of my songs that I wrote and drawings I created started being about suicide. So I think it's really a warning sign that you are seeing this in your creative writing. I really want to encourage you to see a counsellor before it gets out of hand like mine did. Most colleges provide free counselling services- they can help ypu cope with your depression and anxiety.
Thanks for joining the forum- I hope this can be a safe & helpful place for you. <3 I'm happy to chat whenever if you ever want. Welcome!
(PS: your English is pretty good, in my opinion :)
Thanks!
I can absolutely relate to your case, it's pretty similar.
Yes we have a "counsellor". She's actually a psychologist i think and my friends told her about me SHing and my suicidal comments, jokes and writings. She said i could try therapies, which they give in college (not 4free). My sister said she'd gone and she liked it so i thought "why not...". I made an appointment afterschool.
It's weird how the therapy works. I don't know how different they are depending on the therapist, but she gave me the word, i had to start. It was quiet uncomfortable. I was nervous, my hands were sweating and i couldn't look to her eyes, i was looking at the floor. Then i took the initiative and said some stuff and finally explained her my last work i had written. It's in spanish so sharing it in this forum would be difficult (translation...). It happened to be almost a reflection of my mind in a metaphorical way. I usually write stories and read them again to polish, add or remove words, but i never analyze them to discover what it says from me. I know all works have intrinsically influence from the author thoughts and feelings, there's no art without the artist, but damn how implicitly explicit it is (hehe). I felt like it helped to realize we can be broken inside without even noticing it. The problem is it costs and i think there's not to much to gain from more therapies. I don't want to go to therapy and i feel like I don't want to stop SH. I find it as wrong as drinking and smoking but as acceptable as those 2 f. e.

I'm not fully convinced I'm really depressed. I dontwant to be that stereotypical snowflake millennial who gets "depressed" when not being and trying to get attention... I don't want to be melodramatic and disrispect ppl who has real causes amd motives to be depressed (traumas, malfunctioning of the nervous system, problems with neurotransmitters, etc).
I can't let my family get worried when there's nothing too dangerous to care. I don't wamt them to know bout this habit. I must clear out, as i think i said b4, i haven't done it for about 25 days but am planning to do it after going with a dermatologist.

But I'm confused and in a dilemma...
 
Shy Smile

Shy Smile

Member
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Mexico
#6
I just noticed basic errors in the original post...
They are maybe misstype errors, the autocorrect thing i haven't disabled or some others i didn't think about while writing. They are clear for me, I'm totally aware of them, but i can't edit them. Ffs, it pisses me off >:/

Good night y'all!
 
Meet me in the dark

Meet me in the dark

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 17, 2019
Messages
96
Location
United States
#7
I'm not fully convinced I'm really depressed. I dontwant to be that stereotypical snowflake millennial who gets "depressed" when not being and trying to get attention... I don't want to be melodramatic and disrispect ppl who has real causes amd motives to be depressed (traumas, malfunctioning of the nervous system, problems with neurotransmitters, etc).
...
I know exactly what you mean about the label of "depression"; I feel similarly about my diagnosis. And I also feel like it doesn't really capture the violence of what goes on inside me... One thing I want to pass on to you (not sure if I've said it before) is that pain is pain. Don't bother comparing what's going on with you to others, telling yourself they have "real" problems and you don't. You deserve help & care as much as anyone <3 I don't know where your path will take you from here but I pray it gets better.
I'm sorry about the late reply; I don't get on here every day. But I'm glad we met :) hope ypu're having a good night.
 
Shy Smile

Shy Smile

Member
Joined
Apr 30, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Mexico
#8
I know exactly what you mean about the label of "depression"; I feel similarly about my diagnosis. And I also feel like it doesn't really capture the violence of what goes on inside me... One thing I want to pass on to you (not sure if I've said it before) is that pain is pain. Don't bother comparing what's going on with you to others, telling yourself they have "real" problems and you don't. You deserve help & care as much as anyone <3 I don't know where your path will take you from here but I pray it gets better.
I'm sorry about the late reply; I don't get on here every day. But I'm glad we met :) hope ypu're having a good night.
Thanks a lot!
It is indeed a problem about labels and that stuff of being placed in a group of crybabies...

Thanks, really! It helps a lot when others share feelings and thoughts and make you see we're not doomed and if we are, there are others.

I send you a hug and wish you the best of lucks <3
 
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