Generalized anxiety is ruining my life. Scared to get help.

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abax13

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Joined
Apr 26, 2019
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3
Location
illinois
#1
I have struggled with social anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was a very joyful and optimistic kid, however, ongoing humiliations by my own family completely changed that. I was not the cutest kid and definitely not the favorite of any sort. Every time we had to visit my mom's side of the family, I would dread the car ride there. Not only would my own cousins be unnecessarily cruel to me, my own aunts and uncles treated my sister and I like we were invisible. Kids are kids right, but adults being so rude to children is something I could never fathom. I grew a strong dislike towards that side of the family and never looked forward to being around them. My family was middle to lower class, while they were all pretentious and acted as if they were always better than us. My uncles belittling my father, even if he was doing his best to give us a good life, made me hold a grudge that to this day, has struggled to leave me. School was not any better, same scenario all the way up until high school. I never had many friends. I always did very well in school, but I struggled to keep friendships, the only thing I would focus on was school. My depression hit an all time high when I was just 12 years old. I attempted suicide and did self-harm too many times. I was admitted to a mental facility for a while. Word got around school and well you know how that goes... Nonetheless I somehow managed to graduate with constant bullying and harassment along the way, which the school never addressed and somehow saw me as the problem instead. High school was better, but only because I kept myself lowkey and never brought attention upon myself. I continued to do good in high school up until 2 years of college, with barely 2 friends by my side, of which I am so thankful for, but rarely talk to nowadays. I am now married, pregnant and only work 2 days out the week. Horrible past experiences at different jobs have tainted me in more ways than I can explain. I feel helpless. I feel terrible knowing my wonderful and perfect husband is doing everything he can to keep us going. I am truly so thankful for him to the point where I do not feel worthy. I am so happy to have my baby, but I cannot try and ignore this constant anxiety and depression taking over my life. Stopping me from seeing myself as a useful human being.
 
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Lunar Lady

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Mar 19, 2019
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UK
#2
Hello abax

Warm welcome to the forum.

I think what very often happens is that when we are emotionally safe and happy, our minds throw up all 'the old stuff' to process. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband and a new baby, so life is good right now - and the past is clamouring to be heard.

Have you thought about working with a counsellor or talking things through with your GP?

Lots of love xxx
 
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gam9147

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Feb 18, 2019
Messages
293
Location
Delaware, USA
#3
hi Abax.

welcome. Yes, have you worked on any therapy in the past? It sounds like your in a much better place which is great! But our minds always find something bad to think about regardless of how much good there is. It takes training to teach our minds to stay present and look at the good sides and be optimistic. This is where a good therapist comes in and can help you.
 
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Leahhere90

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Joined
Apr 17, 2019
Messages
19
Location
Wales
#4
Hi, I would go to your doctor and maybe discuss medication and counselling. I’ve struggled with anxiety for the past 3 years since my aunt died and these meds literally saved me. I’m on a low dose of paroextine/ Paxil. Also I’ve had counselling at that does help too. Just to talk to someone that won’t judge you is great. You can get past this
 
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abax13

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Joined
Apr 26, 2019
Messages
3
Location
illinois
#5
Thank you guys for all of your helpful advice! It really means a lot. Therapy is definitely probably what will end up helping me, but I have acquired some agoraphobic and socially anxious tendencies that stop me from even going outside... It's terrible. Unfortunately I cannot take any medication due to my pregnancy because I do not want to do any damage... So I hope I get the courage to even go to therapy one of these days... I know these habits are not healthy for my baby either and it makes me feel horrible... Venting on here is already a step for me.
 
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abax13

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Joined
Apr 26, 2019
Messages
3
Location
illinois
#6
I can feel my husband losing patience with me and it's one of the hardest things to see.. It breaks my heart. I feel like I am making progress, but I guess it's not enough yet...
 
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gam9147

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Feb 18, 2019
Messages
293
Location
Delaware, USA
#7
Well fortunately pregnancy is only for a limited time. How far in are you? The hormone changes also probably don't help the anxiety. Talk to your husband about it and be open and honest. Honestly your the one doing the really hard work of carrying the baby, asking for a lot of emotional support for 9 months should not, one hopes, but that big of a deal for him I would hope.
 

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