Extreme anxiety/panic of low lighting when attempting to sleep & Insomnia. No more clozapine.

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Geriksparta88

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Joined
Apr 19, 2019
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6
Location
Oz
#1
Firstly im being very secretive about this, because my parents are forcing this clozapine on me. Im also not going to tell my psychiatrist either, and i will break the truth to my parents in possilby a few months and hopefully I will stop seeing them. Embarrassingly, im a 30 year old male and a incelibate virgin due to poor social skills and not having enough jokes. Im also 5'5'' and thin which has bothered me since i was 8. Im not that attractive i guess and have long hair.

Im also an atheist and my parents are Roman Catholic, yeah....terrible. I guess ive struggled my entire life because im a unfocused, masterbater and because im semi-retarded. I had high expectations in high school and was pressured because i had two aspiring sisters who had some foundation.... but I just started being a borderline C student. In junior high my mother to me to a shrink and i got put on Concerta. After that nothing. Puberty hit and i was unprepared. I got into some intellectual binge video gaming after high school because i was introduced to some socialized gaming...aka Halo 2 and felt mainstream gaming lacking. I also turned vegetarian for a while. Its a long story...Then i began feeling suicidal, was living away from home and eventually returned home. I tried bring vegetarian to my meat eating parents and that failed....to this day...and im still eating meat. I also found an internet philosopher who is TO ME is the equivalent to Morpheus in the movie the Matrix. He's a athiest/antinatalist/pessimist and believes in the Right to Die. He also gives insightful views on econimcs/physics and other subjects So far, my beliefs in this are reserved for somewhere else...even if it means isolation. I see this philsopher and think to myself (if he can get through life in this way maybe i can too). I reached out to him on phone...and he doesnt want to bothered by my confusion. Go ahead judge me. You think this is delusional thinking? Fine.

Next, My frustration with the inability to socialize and get anywhere with women in college AND bringing my rage/anger home just got me thrown into a pysch ward that my mom admitted me to. JUST PLAIN STUPID ON MY PART. Since then, ive been on and off psychiatric medication.... Zoloft, Respridol, Abilify Dopakote....admistered to me very inconsisently. Eventually after failed attempts in getting anywhere at a community college and with women (as usual) i became homeless. Then came home and started looking for work. This is the time my mother recommend a shrink that is has very confident hyper-sexual attitude/Freudian and got me on this clozapine.

It been two days of going cold turkey off clozapine, so far. For the past 3 years Ive been taking clozapine at 2 tablets, each at 200mg before bed. My psychiatrist is uncooperative with my wishes and generally suggested not to decrease medication. I did anyway and started taking 1 tablet, just 200mg. And for the past 3 months ive been handling it well. Like always it helped with sleep just as sedatives do.

But currently... for the first day of going completely off i just slept for 2-3 hours and then stay half-asleep/awake for the next 4 hours. Regular insominia right?
The second day (or last night) I had the same problem with the insomonia... but this time I had a photosenstive tunnel-visioned panic attack right after i had 2 hours of rest. And after that AGAIN i had stayed half-asleep awake for 4 hours.
I remember experiencing this same fear of tunnel-vision panic when i had a bad experience on marijuana and thought i died and went to hell. THAT was 12 years ago. Also, included in THAT experience was a incoherent raged-induced tantrum that i couldn't control and my acquaintances where freaking out.

I'm really hoping that this withdrawal im having will end and i dont have any of this recurring experiences over and over again. Especially that raged induced attack.

Currently: Not sure about the insomnia. I fall asleep at 6-6:30pm.The panic attack happened first and about the next 3 hours I stayed half awake until i had to get up to go work and got up at 3am. I want to keep my job and stay home until i can get the hell out of here.

Basically this is a very long story of me being a sad loser....but give any current or future advice. .....thanks. Hopefully this doesnt make you bored, sad, confused, disgusted, or insane.
 
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Geriksparta88

Member
Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Oz
#2
Not exactly where to post this...because i dont know wtf my diagonis really is..
My pyschitrist currently says i have schizo-effective disorder/Austin/Aspergers. Other shrinks have suggested that i have maniac-depressive disorder, pyschosis, mood disorder. Basically untrust worthy it seems.
 
boudreauj4

boudreauj4

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 6, 2017
Messages
770
#3
You might have a rough road ahead of you by stopping your medication. I don't know about Clozapine but I recently read up on my medication ziprasidone (Geodon) and the withdrawal can be quite bad. For ziprasidone the withdrawal symptoms can last for 6 months, and tend to be worse and longer if you go cold turkey. I have quit risperidone twice in the past, once cold turkey and another time I was slowly tapered off it for a whole year, and both times I had no withdrawal symptoms. So I guess all antipsychotics and people are different and unpredictable of what your withdrawal will be.
 
V

Vunit

Active member
Joined
Mar 28, 2019
Messages
28
Location
Michigan
#4
Hi Geriksparta, im also on Clozapine. It is a tough drug to be on with many side-effects. I only can draw on my own experience with going cold Turkey when I was on vacation. All it took was two days off the meds and my Psychosis returned. So if you are going to get off Clozapine I advise you go slowly, like over a couple of months.

Also you said you are semi-retarded. From reading your post I would say you are not.
 

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