Alcohol does not help, mental health.

jonjon

jonjon

New member
Joined
May 16, 2019
Messages
4
Location
inverclyde
#1
Hi,

How do I deal with this.

I have two big issues, brain damage from 15 years ago, all now made worse after bad accident in Oct 2016.

When my brain injury happened all those years ago, I never told Dr's, hospital full true, no one knew apart from family.

I got a really bad kicking al, focused on my head.

After it refused hospital, until forced to go following day. Told all I was jumped, by a gang.

6th months, meds to close brain down, of something. Don't even remember anything, 6ths, after that what memory I had, tha would be that.

Only know as my wife told me.

After that blocked whole incident out.

But, always knew I wasn't able to do stuff like I had done for years. Slowly got worse, but I blocked incident out so good, never ever put 2 and 2 together and realised what was happening.

Wife never spoke about it, my family, even from day one, never spoke about it.


Then things where getting worse, unable to do basic stuff at work presentations, i would never bat an eye lid at, even 500 people. Simple computer tasks, struggled. As manager, coping with people, I started panicking,

So blocked it out, never guessed what was going on. Made a decision, change high up, high pressure job, become a hgv driver.

Passed test, stated on really poor jobs, just 2 years, finally got a decent driver job, good pay, well for driving. No pressure, no stress.

Boom, 2 weeks in, some clown pressing tail gate to lower and I am under it. 32 tons of truck, foot, and ankle crushed.

Panicked to loose job. Worked, no idea how, rest of day, went to hospital, seen by A&E nurse, guy just even looked like he had lost the will.

Xrayed foot, ankle. Nothing he says, sprain, just rest tonight.

Feeling a fool, straps foot up next day, as in tight so I could manage to limp in.

4 weeks in agony, thinking, stop being a wimp. Made appointment to see GP, surgery says, best see physio. No way I was going back to hospital, would look a fool.

Physio, saw me limp in. Asked take boot off, ankle foot like a football. She asked is that broke? No it was checked.

Looks up report, all she says, is, sorry, hospital have missed something.

Go straight to A&E.

Off I go. Seen a doctor, they check xray, sorry, they seem to have missed this? What, no one says. Come to fracture clinic 9am, and expect emergency OP.

Dam, back next day, orthopedic, was terrible, never said what was wrong, just too late now, wear this moon boot, see you In 4 weeks. No driving, or weight,

Still no idea. Back I go, ortho, not happy I am still, limping, MRI scan arranged.

Gets that months pass, in to see physiotherapy, guy asks, you seen your MRI report. Listen he said, I cant touch your foot/ankle, it's in a bad way, need operation.

He arranges to see orthopedic, weeks later see him, oh aye bruise bone 2 years to mend, willie sore, see you in a few months.

Nearly year later still in moon boot, in real bad pain, thinking I am just being a wimp, so keep hiding limp and pain.

Dr arranges pain clinic, nurse just reads first hospital report, puts in records, it pain syndrome, ie in my head..doesn't tel, me find oul later.

Cant work, cant walk far, stuck in house, depression starts to kick in.. pain so bad no sleep.

Start losing memory even more, mental health gets worse and worse, and i have no idea why.

Then go through all these DWP assessments, appeals etc, just trying to get money in, not loose my house.

Boom, in April 2017, mother dies.

So depressed and in pain, never even cry or mourn. Brother, who I have not seen I years, reason why will come obvious. Appears the night mim passed, I his car, steaming , blocks car park. Police there as sudden death, and we are all scared to say, well he kicks of, calls my sister all sorts. Moves to me, says, you #@#@ attend mums funeral, you and your boy, I will kill. Violent man, so, could not attend funeral.

Mental health starts really go down hill,,

But, I have a really close friend, traveled all over Europe with, talk every day with, do everything together with, talk over any thing, as I anything.

Either his house, or mine to all his most nights, both wifes, answer phone, and shout, it's your real wife on phone.

He was so good helping me, like I have done for him.

He keeps me from really losing it.


Boom, 2 weeks later, sudden death. Gone, only 47.

Then what pushed me over, started break down, and pushed mental health to limits.

His wife calls, can I go see him, parlor, and arrange funeral. Me, me, what about his brother and sister or a family, no you were closest.

6am call was, to meet her at 8am to see him.


Sore, in agony, told not to drive, but I had to, wife at work.

Parked car at parlor, met his wife, I knew I was like a zombie,

Had to force her to say good bye to him, as coffin was getting closed. She walked out, he's gone. You say good bye, your his wife.

I could fee, I was going to pass out. Talked to him for 5mins, cried my eyes out.

Walked outside, chatted with his wife, turned looked for car, gone, looks down hill, police few smashed up cars, and a car stuck I a building.

Mine, never put brake on.

His wife laugh, says he did it, last joke you. She walks away.

Mind mind, brain just goes blank, no idea, I couldn't speak, no sense of anything.

Just stopped a taxi, got home.

No idea where i was, Police calling, wife in station, h keeps calling.
Went to bed, slept 24hrs.

Police thought I was drunk and did a runner, but no, that was me gone.

Somehow arrange funeral. Them that was me, total gone. Breakdown, serious pain, no help, made to feel it was all in my head.

No one to talk to, started losing so called other friends, stayed in, terrified going out.

Back to ortho, wife knew nurse, she say, omg you have had that moon boot on way too long. She says, I'll make sure actual Ortho see's you. He was outside cubicle, say says, he goes nuts, who was I to ask for special treatment, we heard all he said.

Walk in,grabs foot, now last he said was bruised bone 2 years to mend, expect pain. Wiggles my foot, with anger, say, why are you still, in pain. I cant help you, I refer you else where?

What was that about, I go deeper into depression, mental health worsens.

After 3 months travel for miles to see other Ortho. 2 mins in door, yes crushed foot and ankle. Till I get operation sorted, steroid injection.

As accident was so London ago not treated as emergency, wait months for op. Had to complain, to get it done.

Ops happens, bones so badly damaged now, bejond mending, 50% bones in foot just removed.

And is anything, pain gets worse.

Finally told just have to live with it,

But the start picking up on nerve damage.

After years pain clinic change notes, not syndrome, but nerve, bone and ligement damage.

Started on 'chilli patch treatment' burns away nerve ends, only thing that is known to help, well take 30% pain away.

Mental health really bad start forgetting, who, why what.

Brain blanks out long periods, attempt suicide several times, go missing, search parties out.

Try killing myself l, remember nothing, just police at 2am.

See psychologist, not helpful, says cabin fever...what the hell.

Not other NHS help.

Put in Mental health hospital for safety.

2 or 3 weeks our, horrible place. But they spotted brain injury from past, link it, but never say.

Not allowed pain killers,, as I overdosed to many times, i have damaged something. Liver, kidney cant mind. No opium based pain relief ie everything going

Start losing it more and more, forget who has passed, forget son, daughter all grown up move on, own kids, etc. I go nuts about 10pm, on bad days, get him and in bed, school,.

Relations turn up, suddenly I look and think whi is that, and I'll come out and ask.

See so many specialists, as work accident, never once do mention, even remember about head injury, but one report, they find out.

The boom, it all comes back.

Get asked about it why never mention.

So you where jumped, brain injury, nerve damage is neurological, and that will be why it's all kicking off.

I need to be watched.

But tell they ask more.

No, I wasn't jumped, my brother who was so close, his wife was up to no good, he was drinking heavy.

I went down as I knew she was out, have a chat, etc.

Next she walks in, kicks off he is drunk.

But, what does he do, boom, takes it out on me, I remember nothing, never in my life thought my brother would do that. We never even play fighter, as 10years between, us.

Wife said, I semi came round and called her, well let it ring.

Brother had badly punch my head, I was knocked out, he kindly, I am told jumped al, over my head, tried to kill me, thought he did, dragged me out his door, blood all over and left me.

I was out for hrs I was told. Wife said she was angry as I refused to report it.

Nearly lost my job, until drs report.

Told no one it was brother, then blocked it.

Now I get why I never cried when my mum passed. Not once did she visit, or even ask about it, same with my older brother, later found out young brother told him, it was all my fault, and deserved it.. no one ever asked me.

Told my mother, it was as bad as made out, just us both fooling around. But never asked me, sister guessed truth but, always a leave me out,of it. Never once visited.

My Dad knew, he was in ill health by then but knew my dad was terrified of him, later after he passed, found out, he often took his anger,out on my dad, many a beating, never told.
Once my dad passed family kinda fell away, all scared of brother, later found out stuff he did to my older, brother. Confused, when he believe him saying my fault.

so with not one member of my family ever asking, it easily was blocked out.

When my dad passed years ago, he kicked off, calling my mother, I am going to cause a blood bath, both your other two sons, are about to die.

Only knew when police marched in door, seeing if i was ok, and stayed till they found him.

Days later, it was all hidden, mother even denying it happened.

But I had all blacked out, just knew i wasn't right, struggling, no idea why.

When finally, it was worked out, my older brother, said, no way was that we fight you had that bad. Well until out the blue he came by, ,and said to my wife, I never knew how bad I was.

So drinking doesn't help.

But i do more and more, as only thing helps pain.

So caught in a bad loop.

Mental Health issues, made worse by pain, and nerve injury. Drink is well known to make you worse i drink more to help pain.

Doctor says, many, many people do the same, but, most have pain. But you have pain, and brain injury, and mental health
Problems.

But no one has answer.

I do just chuck it, then I find pain so,bad depression gets worse, mental health goes down hill.
So month later, back drinking beer.

Every holiday, since has been ruined, even cancel one for June, no point.

Everything I was involved in, groups, hobbies, etc, cant do.

Motor bike sold.

Days,out to football stopped.

Grandkids, I am scared seeing, in case I shout at them but love them all.

Lost all friends, with mad rants, I forget who is who. And get angry with hiding it, so called pals, just want nothing to do with it

Very close to marriage breakup.

Now, I find, she doesn't really understand, and spends day shouting to me to do this that etc.

Mental health issues, they can beat it.

Now even forget why I am typing this.

Time to play with legi
 
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C

Confusedandanxious

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
127
Location
Uk
#2
I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. It sounds like the hospital have been quite negligent and its caused you unnecessary health issues because of it.

I hope you are getting some kind of therapy for the MH issues too.
 
jonjon

jonjon

New member
Joined
May 16, 2019
Messages
4
Location
inverclyde
#3
MH is horrible, isnt it.

Due for another ESA,health assessment,, my reports, now go on about, brain injury. MH problems.

I cant stand being in strange places panicking already and a month away. And if they ask all these pointless questions, which is designed to fail you, even with severe injury, they do nothing to explain MH.

The person I now see at charity headway, says they have been pushing, with other groups, for certain people not to attend these, as they can and do, cause some people like me, huge issues.


But they will write letter, with details of m MH, brain injury, suicide attempts,,that with reports from doctor,,and specialist on my foot injury, and nerve damage.

No one as bad as me, with letter, report from them, has ever been declined. So hopefully no endless appeals.

Where PIP new assessment, next year, they will do same.

So told stop panicking.

At assessment, take you wife, let her explain, that this gets you so stressed, I'll probably not under stand a thing. Just sit, hold her hand and 10mins all over.

As I am in Scotland, Scottish Gov, taking over ESA soon, so all stop.

Hope ok, just to come on here and let steam off, as I usually, unblock my WhatsApp, and annoy, another last of my friends.
Some times I just don't stop.

And this is a good day.

Are you like that?
 
C

Confusedandanxious

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
127
Location
Uk
#4
Yes try not to worry about the ESA and pip. It's easier said than done, I know.

I come on here too and let off steam. I dont feel like I can talk to people in real life about things so much. I feel better on here knowing that others understand.

I'm glad today has been a good day 🙂
 
jonjon

jonjon

New member
Joined
May 16, 2019
Messages
4
Location
inverclyde
#5
So, bad they put people through that, and its intentional.

Worked since I was 14, have accident etc, NHS mess up, you look for support, and they treat you like worthless bit of dog poo on a shoe.

Must admit, last months or so, wife took time off as I was bad way. Bad since she has, each she starts shouting at me lazy sod. Why you sleeping again. Do, this, do that. Build this. Etc

Latest was we bought a huge 3m x 3m wooden, gazebo, need built, reads shops wed site, it goes on aboutm1 day, any one can do, only may need two people for room. Said, not a hope I never be able, never mind instructions, or stress, or pain. I'll freak out.

Asked about, 2 handyman do it in a day, ahout £200, all done, and cleared rubbish away.,start now of wanted.Well worth it, but no, I must try, she will do instructions, tried and tried, just tired walking out back garden. Even trying, next day, increased pain,,sleep 25hrs, so sore, get confused, can't workout why even ask.

Ok, get my son down, he a she will do it, nope, boy arrives, never a DIY person, wife goes in town,
Says strongly, stop Dad, this will,kill you. Sent to bed as so confused.

Boy, lost with instructions. Wife, rantz why not done, web site say easy, get out of bed you lazy sod.

Weeks go bye boy does wee bit at a time slowly.

Eventually, tired of mess, sun out need done, agrees to get handy men in.

Now not worth there time, says I'll pay you really well no, not interested.

More days pass, cant get anyone to finish it, apart for one joiner(its basically a flat pack)

£ 400 start now, ie 2pm, finished by 5pm.

Cant afford £400.
Then got more depressed, as I felt useless.

More constant shouting at me. I could feel I was going to back through a breakdown, so had to see doc, upped, anti depressants.

Love my wife, been through hell with me last 2,5 years. Thought she had after reports picked up on past, and bad MH, she was starting to see, that I to hide most from her as I hate seeing her upset,

Doesn't help menopause has started.

Most nights, I stay out her way, she she is going start, as she does al, cooking, cleaning, gardening, shopping. As I am unable, but the she will start why I never help.

Last few weeks slept on couch, now every night in spare room.

If, try using my computer in other room, as she is off, cant stand it, I must sit in living roo , with soaps on. When she is at work I never even switch it on.

Get hobby, get active, use brain. Etc, so found in an old old box, while lost looking for something else, old mode, trains, over 30 year old, show grandsons, they love them.

So hey I'll set it up proper, now if I go near other room, they are in.

Give it 5mins, look at you, time to play your trains, cant even cook a meal or use a washing machine.

Just you stay and play with your toys. The really means get in living room, sit or lie down, sleep even.
I feel like a nerd, train spotter
.This is only recent, when wife had to take time off to watch me.

I have been close to losing it again even thought, sign myself I to MH hospital before,, do myself real harm.

But after docs, attending headway.

I have for my own health, stay I out the way, and sleep down stairs or other room.

As scared I'll start disappearing at night again.

I read that back, and see how I get worse more often recently.

I have said, one day when felt good, but I get so worked up, sad, scared I end up starting to shout and walk away.

Oh my, see what you notice when you do have a good day,

Years running down my face. That is my love if my life, met 18, never split ever, been now 33 years.

That saddens me reading that, now all confused. Best go lie down.

I am making myself worse.
Get this MH health to hell.. normal guy, then now reduced to this mess.

Oh you do, get confused, and scared. When your head opens up.

Give it 10mins I'll wonder why my face is wet. And mix up names of my two pups.

Glad you can bookmark.

By feck, I do need help. NHS support for MH, is not there.

think I'll call my sulovtrd an hedwee

This,
 

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